God Help Me, It’s A Recipe Post

First, some disclaimers. I don’t have a fucking CLUE what I’m doing in the kitchen. All I do is try shit and hope it works. Most of this recipe is a mosh of tricks I gleaned from a whole bunch of websites, and then I just threw some shit together. I will say I owe a huge debt to The Pioneer Woman’s chicken fried steak recipe, but mine is tossed together all willy nilly. There will be no printables or anything because I’m just not that blogger. But several of you expressed an interest in my cooking endeavors, so… yeah, it’s all totally your fault. Also? This recipe is NOT part of my healthy eating plan. In any way. Ahem.

So, on Monday night I started feeling dizzy and coughing, and Tuesday I was sick enough that I was in pajamas all day and I was craving comfort food. Today I went to my doctor (allergies and inner ear fluid) who gave me a new inhaler and told me to take sudafed (harder to buy than a gun), and while I felt better tonight I still wanted comfort food. I love chicken fried steak, but wanted to do a gluten free version with chicken so Charlie and Tori would eat it. Guess what? IT WAS FUCKING DELICIOUS. Here’s how I did it. Sorta.

gluten free country fried chicken

So first, I dug through my mess of a freezer (do we really need sixteen boxes of popsicles, Tori?) and found some boneless and skinless chicken breasts. I thawed them in our recently broken microwave the old fashioned way, i.e. leaving them in there all day to thaw (I used the microwave because it has a door and can keep dog, cat, and kid away from it). Then I used my newly purchased meat cleaver and whacked the shit out of the chicken breasts until they were about a half inch thick or so. I then sliced off some strips from each breast for Tori’s portion (she prefers strips, obviously). I then dumped the chicken into a bowl and covered it with buttermilk (I had to go buy the buttermilk, because who actually has that in their kitchen all the time? Also, can you freeze it? I gots no idea).

I then cut up some yukon gold potatoes and went freezer hunting for broccoli florets. I dumped the potatoes into some salted water for mashed potatoes, and set up the broccoli for steaming. This part went fairly smoothly because it’s the easy part.

Then I took some Gluten Free Flour mix (I use Red Mill’s baking flour) and dumped it in a bowl (probably a cup? I guess?). I then dumped in some salt, pepper, cumin, cayenne, chili, and a bit of paprika. Probably a teaspoon of salt and a half teaspoon of everything else or so (the flour mix was mildly salty but not too spicy hot). Then I took the chicken from the buttermilk and dredged it through the flour mix, then set it aside for a minute. Then I (and this is The Pioneer Woman’s trick) I dipped it in the buttermilk again, then dredged it again. Then I set it aside while I did the next bit.

Then I heated up my brand new iron skillet (on sale at Sears for $18) with about a third of an inch or so of vegetable oil. I stuck my meat thermometer in it because I’d read it needed to be 350 degrees, but then I realized it was a fucking MEAT thermometer and only went to 240 degrees. So then I just tossed some chicken into the oil, which promptly burned to a crisp. So. I took the skillet off the heat for a minute or two and turned the burner down (I have one of those glass cook top ranges and OMG I HATE IT SO MUCH, it is impossible to clean and heats weirdly and doesn’t cool off quickly), and then tried the chicken again. This time it worked fine, and Tori’s strips were done.

I put in the adult sized bigger portions, and probably cooked them for about two minutes a side or so, but it could have been more like three. See? WILLY FUCKING NILLY. But doesn’t it look great? I put it on paper towels to drain while I mashed the potatoes.

chickenfriedchicken

There’s nothing special about my mashed potatoes. I don’t skin the potatoes, so I mash, yank skins off the masher, mash again, and add cream and butter and salt and pepper. Oh! I do mash them while still on the heat to let them steam out, another Ree tip. This makes them much drier and more substantial.

Oh, at some point I steamed the broccoli. Obviously.

So then it was time to make the white gravy. This is tricky; I’ve found making gravy with gluten free flour means that you have to use VERY little because the gravy thickens up a ton immediately. You also have to dissolve it first, and I did that tonight with a little bit of chicken stock. Honestly, I probably used less than a teaspoon to make the gravy.

First I took the skillet and the oil and drained off nearly all the oil, leaving just a couple tablespoons in the bottom. I then added some light cream (I would have used milk, but we only had cashew milk on hand and I doubt that would have worked) and salt and pepper. I mixed it up a bit and then poured in about a tablespoon of the chicken stock / gluten free flour mix in, stirring madly to keep it from getting lumpy. In about thirty seconds, I had nice thick white gravy.

Then I put it on plates (paper, because the dishwasher was running with all the plates in it) and my family promptly devoured it. It really, really hit that comfort food spot. Because everything that’s a million calories is DELICIOUS.

So, there you go. A fucking recipe post. I’m THAT mom blogger now.

Heh.

Don't you totally fucking want some? I just ate it and I want more.

Don’t you totally fucking want some? I just ate it and I want more.

Comments Closed

Comments

  1. Christa says

    Lol. Yes please! What is a skillet? A non stick frying pan? (I’m British, but live in the USA….I’ve never heard of a skillet before).

  2. Elizabeth McKinney says

    If everyone wrote their recipes out like this, I might try more. You make it sound really approachable and use terms I can relate to, like dump, mash and “wacked the shit”. Loved it!!

  3. says

    This means that next time I am in Philly we aren’t going out to eat riiiight. YOU are cooking me dinner… riiiiight?! Good stuff Cecily!

  4. says

    I have never read a recipe like this. Hilarious. I think adding “fucking ” somehow i creases credibility! I also hate to cook but sometimes it is good. Try this: roast some yellow peppers, store bought tomatoes (usually fucking awful, but fine when roasted), onion, and peeled and coarsely chopped garlic cloves (2/3) in about a half cup of olive oil with some fresh rosemary leaves at 300 degrees for about 40 minutes. Turn off the oven and leave them in there. Cook penne, and when done, toss it w/the stuff in the oven. Toss some shredded mozzarella over it. DELISH. You can do this with gluten free pasta. People will think you are a gourmet. Hi to Jax.

  5. Kerrie says

    My mashed potatoes are heaven on earth and I follow Jamie Oliver & Nigella Lawdon’s techniques. Ree is right, drain the potatoes and let the heat in them dry them out for a few minutes. Add butter, salt & pepper and leave sit until the butter melts. Meanwhile heat the milk or cream almost to boiling point. Adding it cold causes the poratoes to release starch and glug. I sometimex add a crushed garlic clive depending on what we are eating.

    Double dipping with buttermilk & breadcrumbs is awesome. Best coating ever.

    So now you have done it, a recipe post. You survived too. :)

  6. Pris says

    You can make buttermilk by using one teaspoon of vinegar in a cup of milk. That way you don’t need to buy a quart of the stuff you won’t use again.

  7. Kelly says

    You can use yogurt instead of buttermilk, and if you want Indian-style chicken, add some curry paste to the yogurt. I don’t like breaded chicken, so I buy breasts with ribs and skin, and then soak in yogurt. Skinless boneless are more expensive, and unless you buy air-chilled, I don’t think they have much flavor.

    Sometimes, I flatten the chicken with a mallet and then cook under a brick.

    http://dinersjournal.blogs.nytimes.com/2008/04/11/recipe-of-the-day-chicken-under-a-brick/

    • Cecily Kellogg says

      I do use yogurt when I make chicken tikka masala! I was going to try it (did you mention this on twitter?) but I realized I was out of yogurt too. Sigh. Love that recipe, thanks!

  8. bungalaca says

    Best trick to test if oil is hot enough for frying – Stick the handle of a wooden spoon into the oil – If small bubbles pop around the handle it’s ready to go! If not give it some more time. I hate using those thermometers. I either break them in my drawer or explode them in the broiler! Happy cooking!

  9. mar says

    Someone suggested vinegar and milk as a buttermilk substitute – I use lemon juice and milk. Buttermilk is tangy, and I think the lemon gives it more tang. Put 1 tablespoon of lemon juice (from the bottle is perfect), add enough milk to make one cup, and let it sit for 5 mins. Voila!

    And that made me hungry – I too, have a lovely summer something (probably just a bad cold), and I’m thinking homemade mac and cheese tomorrow. MMmmmm…

  10. SarahF-T says

    You can’t leave chicken out to thaw at room temperature…that’s how salmonella develops. Very, very dangerous with a child & an older person in the hone.

      • SarahF-T says

        So nice of you to be so clueless around issues of protecting your health and your family’s health, and then be snarky about it!

        I learned in middle school Home Ec (you and I are the same age) to not leave chicken on the counter all day. What is your excuse?

        • Cecily Kellogg says

          Oh, honey. I’m sorry, but I owe you zero explanation or apology. I’m not being snarky at all; I’m sorry for you. You seem really unhappy, and that makes me honestly sad.

          • SarahF-T says

            Again, why do you gleefully write about leaving chicken out at room temperature all day?

          • Cecily Kellogg says

            And this is the last batch of your comments I’m going to let stand here. I do have a comment policy, and you might see that you’ve violated it consistently. This is my space, and I’m going to protect it. There’s a lovely website out there where you can feel free to trash talk me as much as you like, but not here. Not anymore.

          • Katherine says

            Cecily, Sarah is right. Since you are posting this for the world to see I think you owe the readers at least a note at the end of the post saying THAWING YOUR CHICKEN @ROOM TEMP IS NOT REALLY THE BEST CHOICE, PREFERABLY LEAVE IT IN THE FRIDGE OVERNIGHT TO AVOID GROWING FOOD BORNE PATHOGENS and link to this http://www.livestrong.com/article/481823-can-you-cook-chicken-that-was-thawed-to-room-temp/
            IT DOES SAY IF YOUR CHICKEN THAWED ON ROOM TEMP THROW IT OUT

      • Alison says

        Gah, this was the first thing I thought as I read this! Cecily, this really is a huge no-no — you mention right in the first line of the post that you have no fucking idea what you’re doing in the kitchen, so why so defensive when someone points out a mistake? This isn’t one of those subjective kind of cooking comments, this is food safety!

        • Cecily Kellogg says

          Hey Alison! It’s funny; it’s how my mom taught me to do it and I’ve done it that way forever. But I solemnly swear to never do it again. :)

          • Lauren says

            Yeah my mom taught me the same way, and it’s how I’ve always done it. It’s what her mom taught her, too. And my roommates in various stages of life did the same thing. 30 years in, my record is still food poisoning free :) I don’t doubt the salmonella risk or that thawing it in the fridge is the safest method, and I will start doing that–but lordy, it shouldn’t be a rage-inducing issue.

          • Alison says

            I’ll admit I’m a casual reader, and this is probably only my 2nd or 3rd comment ever — can’t tell you how much I LOVE getting email notifications of the snarky comments others are making mocking the food safety police. I know it is hard for some to believe, but sometimes there is a RIGHT way and a WRONG way to do things. When I was a kid there were no child seat belt laws, and I NEVER sat in a rear-facing carseat. Think I can use that argument when I put my own baby in the car? Nope. Today we know better, and we do better.

            But that’s OK, people can just snark themselves right into a bout of food poisoning — salmonella poisoning is LOADS of fun!

        • Kelly says

          Chicken today isn’t your mom’s chicken, and thanks to factory farming, the meat has far more chances to come in contact with pathogens. Thaw under running cold water or in the fridge.

          • Jean says

            Interestingly, I just read an article recently where the FDA says not to wash chicken before cooking because when you run it under water, the bacteria splashes around the kitchen and becomes airborne, and you can’t even see it. http://foodpoisoningbulletin.com/2012/dont-wash-that-bird/

            I guess the same would go for running the chicken under cold water unless you run under cold water in its packaging.

  11. Janice says

    Yes, you can freeze buttermilk. I do it all the time. I prefer the taste of it to the milk/vinegar or lemon juice when using it for baking. I pour it in zip lock sandwich bags, seal, then lay flat to freeze. It thaws quickly and uses little space.

  12. says

    Also? Buttermilk either doesn’t go bad or takes eons to go bad. Every once in a while I buy a carton and keep in my fridge for the few things I use it for. I’ve kept a carton for MONTHS without it turning.

      • GreenInOC says

        Try pouring into ice cube trays for freezing – super simple way to use smaller amounts that a lot of recipes call for. Just make sure that when you defrost it that you scrub in, wear gloves, a mask, let if defrost in the coldest part of the fridge and have an engineer oversee the process to make sure the temperature never drops below 38!!!

  13. Jb says

    A receipe! Yes, god help all of us. A receipe with no profanity even!! Made me hungry looking at the awesome pictures. It’s always such a victory when we can make our own comfort food!

  14. Libby says

    This may be my favorite recipe post ever. :) Can you also post your chicken tikka recipe please?

  15. Tine says

    Oh for heaven’s sake, food-safety marshals. Could you POSSIBLY at least TRY to be polite? You are correct, but you are also rude.

  16. Tine says

    P.S. Thanks for the recipe post! I loved it, whack-the-fucking-shit-out-of-its and all. :)

  17. AmyinTexas says

    I loved the tone of the post!! And day-um… that looks good. I think myfitnesspal would explode if I tried to enter it. ;-)

      • Lauren says

        Noooo… I’m trying to lose weight too, and use MFP. It has been SO HELPFUL… I totally credit it for these past 15 pounds. But that’s the point– you have to enter everything, even on the “relaxed” days where you know you’re going over, or else it’s useless and doesn’t serve its purpose. It helps to keep track of days you go over so that you can make up for it over the next few subsequent days. Just because you didn’t enter them, doesn’t mean they didn’t happen :) Trust me, I’ve been there.

  18. GreenInOC says

    @Cecily, did you use a food thermometer in each piece to chicken to ensure that it was cooked to the correct temperature? You know don’t you that’s what food safety experts would recommend.

    Also, you whacked the chicken haphazardly? What’s wrong with you – people are going to cut off their fingers with this recipe.

    Did you know that vegetables now have a change of carrying the e-coli bacteria, are you sure your family is safe from your steamed vegetables. If you’re going to post recipes you need to make sure to let everyone know that they need to boil the *)@# out of them to eliminate the risk.

    Before you poured the buttermilk, did you keep it at a constant 36 degrees from the refrigerated section, in your cart, in the car ride home and your fridge (you do have a fridge thermometer don’t you?!). I certainly hope you put in on ice before you poured it and then once you dredged the chicken in it, put the buttermilk and chicken back in the fridge to keep in cold.

    What’s wrong with you?! People simply cannot think for themselves and if you’re going to share something you need to make sure it’s 100% in keeping with their standards!!!

    Holy Moses people, if thawing chicken skeeves you out then by all means DON’T do it. Do you really think that when people read these kinds of posts that all previous information they have flies out their ears?!

    Cecily, that looks yummy – wish I could have had a bite!!

  19. pindy4176 says

    My son, Mr. Pickypants, LOVES chicken and chicken-fried steak, so this should be a huge hit. I’ll see if I can get the calories down from the millions to the hundred-thousands. :-D

    I didn’t know there even WAS such a thing as cashew milk, so I’m awfully curious: how do you use it? (And no need to start with “open the container and pour,” which is what my crazy family would tell me!)