Limbo

I hate our fish.

I know, who hates goldfish? But I do. I hate them. They are dirty and smelly. The stupid ten gallon tank we got for them is impossible to keep clean for more than a day or two, and now that my desk is in the kitchen right next to the tank I can see how annoying the little fuckers are.

First of all, they incessantly pick up and drop their pebbles. What the fuck is that about? I mean, it is so annoying and loud. Secondly, now that I’m sitting next to them they have this habit of floating in the water and just…. staring at me.

Stop staring at me, fish.

I’m not one to regret pet decisions, but seriously. Anyone want some goldfish?

…..

This weekend I distracted myself from stress by tackling a small home improvement project. We had a mess with our game console, cable box, and modem with wires everywhere and things hanging off the fireplace mantle. So I took Tori to Ikea to see if we could find some sort of solution (we did). Tori was amazing the whole day; we had such a good time singing pop songs in the car (changing the last word of each line in a song to “poop” ) that I nearly had to pull over from laughing so hard.

…..

I’m feeling frozen, in a way. I have that “next shoe drop” kind of feeling. I remember feeling that way through my pregnancy with the boys, and when I found out that one twin had passed away I was flooded with relief because there it was – the bad thing had happened. I could breathe.

The next twenty four hours proved me wrong.

…..

I’ve been struggling to get back on track with my eating. I’ve managed to continue to avoid wheat for the most part (I think I’ve had wheat twice including Christmas dinner), but my carb intake has increased. I have managed to not regain weight lost, but I’m not still losing.

I want that to change. I’m working on getting the willingness to go back to to the gym.  It’s not coming easily.

…..

I started working on a new project that’s really fun and totally different from what I’ve done before.

This has made me astonishingly happy.

…..

I ran out of my migraine meds about a week ago. Normally this wouldn’t be a problem because I used to be able to call my doctor’s office and they would call my pharmacy. But they’ve changed their policy and now if you need a refill you have to make an appointment.

This would normally be fine, but while I loved the nurse practitioner I worked with there, the office staff at that clinic is abominable. I don’t want to go to their office again. I have an appointment somewhere new, but it’s not for a couple of weeks.

So I decided to do some research about migraines and whether medication wash out periods were advisable. My neurologist (gah, been way too long since I’ve seen her) and I had worked out a system to combat my 20 or more migraines a month; I’d never take the same medication more than two days in a row (I have three meds I rotate). This was to prevent rebound migraines.

I thought this was working, but as I read I realized something: I’ve spent the last eight years combating these migraines, and for the last five or so years I have spent every single day with a headache.

Really.

Not a bad headache each day, but a low level headache pretty much constantly. I learned to cope with it like you do a limp. The more I read, the more I have become pretty sure that I have been trapped in a non-stop rebound headache nightmare.

Today is day five with zero headache meds or pain pills.

Today I woke up without a headache.

…..

This post was just a big brain dump. The only thing I haven’t told you about it my mom; she’s doing well at the rehab although she’s pretty bored and ready to come home. She’s doing so well it’s likely that she’ll be home within a week.

I walked with her for about twenty minutes yesterday. She’s definitely stronger. I’m feeling like she might be okay at home this time.

God willing.

…..

So. How are you?