Yesterday I sat with my mother at the hospital having hard conversations.
It fucking sucked.
Yes, she’s in the hospital, has been since Thursday night when her fever spiked and her gerontologist told us to go to the ER. Once we got to the ER, my mother developed a new and highly alarming symptom – aphasia. She was unable to find her words for about 11 hours. It was terrifying for her; after all, she’s a scientist and a teacher and not being able to communicate is her worst fear. Fortunately, it passed, and she’s now speaking fine. We’re following up with the neurology team after she gets out of the hospital, though, because that’s strange fucking flu symptom.
So, yesterday. First we spent an hour banging our head against the medical treatment wall, trying to advocate for my mom to go to an acute rehab facility where she could get physically stronger. But we are trapped in a weird place: my mom is considered to be too healthy for an acute rehab where she’d be worked for about eight hours a day getting physical, speech, and occupational therapy. So instead they are sending her to a sub-acute rehab, which is basically just a nursing home. They only offer about an hour of rehab a day. Which sucks, because I believe until my mom builds up her strength she’s going to keep getting knocked down by every little thing that comes her way.
We talked a bit more about her living in a senior living place, which will have the benefit of not exposing her to all the kid germs that Tori brings home (like the flu, der). But she needs to be stronger to live on her own.
We have a plan. She’s going to a UPenn affiliated skilled nursing place where she should be able to do three hours of therapy a day, plus have the ability to do a bit more on her own (like walking through the halls, and maybe using a stationary bike). She’ll then return home where she will have a nursing assistant help her bathe twice a week, and a physical therapist that will come to the house several times a week (or do on-site out patient PT, which would be even better). She will follow up with neuro as an outpatient, and continue to see her gerontologist.
God willing, by the time a space comes available at the senior living place, she’ll be able to live on her own with help from a nursing assistant and us (the place we love is about 15 blocks from us).
God fucking willing.
…..
The hardest part of yesterday, though, came with a hard conversation with my mom. We discussed how Tori is reacting to my mom’s issues and the resulting stress that happens to the rest of us (Charlie told me yesterday that he hasn’t seen me this stressed since I lost the boys, or since we went through infertility). Because my mom and I have always been honest with each other, I had to tell her the truth: Tori is considerably traumatized by all of this.
There are many reasons; my mom has sometimes asked Tori to do things I think are kind of inappropriate to help her – stuff beyond “get me a glass of water.” Stuff that I’m barely comfortable helping her with (but I do, of course). She’s also witnessed multiple falls, and my mother’s repeated mental confusion. At the hospital once my mother flew into a rage and was screaming at me while Tori was there.
I do not want that for my daughter.
My mom feels that Tori has to “learn to live in the real world eventually” and this statement makes so furiously angry. Like, switch flipped simmering life-long fury. Thankfully I have a lot of practice with reining that shit in with my mom and was able to reply only that I feel like she’s got just as much exposure to the real world that she needs as a six year old. That I want her to be a KID, not a nurse. My mom often yells at Tori; she doesn’t understand why Tori isn’t a kid like I was, eager to please, and why Tori is a kid that gets louder and more ramped up before bedtime instead of quiet and calm like I did. She often implies that we’re doing parenting wrong.
I know that my mom did the best she could raising me, but a big part of my story is that I had to grow up a lot faster than other kids. In many ways my mom treated me like a partner instead of a kid which lead to my feeling worried most of the time about finances, and I was always afraid. Always. I never felt safe.
I do not want that for Tori. Tori should feel safe, damn it, she should FEEL FUCKING SAFE.
I know my mom is scared, and I know she’s lonely, and I know that she’s frustrated. And as much as I love her, I’m still going to put Tori first. I don’t know if that makes me an asshole or not, but if there is an alternative living arrangement where my mom is safe and Tori isn’t traumatized, I’m going to take it.
I really hope that someday she understands.
…..
I wake up each day more tired than I was when I fell asleep. My whole body aches from being clenched all the time. I make crappy food choices because meal planning is kind of beyond me right now. I watch far too much television. I have migraines almost every day – so many that I’ve run out of my meds and now I’m just sitting with the pain every day (thankfully they are low level migraines, and what the hell, a med wash out period isn’t a bad idea). My jaw is sore from clenching my teeth so much.
I’m talking to my closest friends each day. I’m chatting with other folks in similar situations. I’m reading up on how to take care of yourself as a caretaker. But I’m still doing this all blind, stumbling around in the dark not knowing what to do. Since the end of October my mother has had five emergency room visits, four hospitalizations, and a surgery.
Is it possible to cope with all of that without going nuts? I don’t know. My mom is miserable and depressed, and I’m stressed and brittle.
This sucks.
…..
I swear I will post something positive here someday. Hopefully.
{ 88 comments… read them below or add one }
Thanks for the update. Caretaking for elders is immensely difficult, especially as you have a young one to care for too. And do please make time for yourself!
You are right on about Tori. Being accused of bad parenting must just add to your stress.
During difficult times, I believe our job as parents is to protect kids’ time for play and learning and growing as much as possible. I try to be honest with my daughter about what is stressful but remind her often that it’s not her fault and she doesn’t have to be concerned with fixing things.
I feel the same way.
Really nothing to say other than I hear you. And you are a GREAT mom, and Tori is lucky to have you and Charlie and she will be ok. SHE WILL BE OK. Even if she needs a little – sand tray or something – YOU ARE A GREAT MOM. I just want to make sure you know that. And I applaud you for putting Tori’s needs first. That’s one of the many things that makes you a wonderful, safe, loving, fun….mom. Good luck – I think you could use some good luck about now.
Thank you.
Sigh. I am sorry you had to have that talk with your mom. That one is rough. Crossing my fingers and everything else I can do in hopes you can get your mom into a more appropriate permanent situation soon.
I hope so too. Thanks.
You know, your Mom might not understand and Tori even might not understand now or in the future why her Grandma wasn’t in the house when she was sick.
You know, that’s okay.
Personally I am a big fan and supporter of families taking care of one another in their homes and doing everything that you can to keep them there. It sounds to me that as a family and individually you are at the end of the “everything that you can” road and that’s okay.
Remember, your Mom isn’t able to utilize 100% of her faculties, even when she’s feeling great and it seems good, so things that she’s saying may be coherent but she’s probably not speaking as she would have 10 years ago. Also, she is staring at the face of mortality. It’s no longer an etherial something, it’s now looking back at her hard. She’s trying to come to grips with that and understanding her reduced capabilities with reduced capabilities.
My advice is to try to simply listen to your Mom. Understand what she is saying. Empathize. Don’t take it personally (yes, I know this feels nearly impossible!). Sometimes it might be easier to think of her as someone else’s mother when you hear things that are vicious. Imagine that she is your neighbor’s mother and more than likely you would listen, nod and be empathetic (because it’s not personal!).
Based on what you’ve written in the past, I believe that your mother loves you deeply and she, in her 100% state of mind and capabilities, would never want to put Tori in an untenable situation. Just love her with everything you’ve got – loving her does not mean sacrificing yourself or any member of your family.
Thank you; you are so right. I don’t take it personally, most of the time, but it is hard.
Taking care of those in need in family often comes with more baggage then expected: it is not about “get me glass of water” or even “bathing twice a week”; it is about living in confined space with not-so-pleasant comments and opinions that undermine caretakers. Never take those lightly. But know they will come. Sick folks are often like kids, they will say hurtful things and stick to it, like they don’t know better. Take a breather, try as much as possible to not take it personally, and take care of yourself. Options are just that, options, and you get to pick. Don’t beat yourself about your child being exposed to all of this: you ARE clearly in charge, and your child will take big queue from that. It is terrifying for everybody (especially children that suck up everything around them like sponges) to take care of infirm elders, but this too will pass. Here is hoping for best – some treatment HAS to work.
Thanks, Marija.
I think your friend GreenInOC up there is a smart, smart person.
You are doing very well at a very hard thing. Your mom may not see that — but you are, lady.
I think so too. :) Thank you.
Glad to see an update, sorry for the hard conversations but YAY for having them, not something my family does. You have to put Tori first, and you’ve done so much for your mother. But you are right on about Tori’s needs.
I’m currently the black sheep in my family b/c I can’t help my dad financially & I won’t be bullied into stuff by other members. My kid & husband need me 100% right now, my kid’s being bullied & has health issues. My family of origin won’t accept what I CAN offer, good questions, research, and coordinating things. Your mom’s higher power is there for her. Try to breathe & take care of yourself. I’ll keep sending you thoughts of peace, clarity & grace as I have been.
I’m so sorry you’re dealing with that, Lisa!
Thanks, dearie, but I’m sorry, I really didn’t mean to make it about me.
The takeaway I was going for was, you do what you can, and then you just have to trust that somehow, someway, it’ll be ok. And in the mean time you focus on your child & your husband & your health, & your work, and you keep on doing what you can for your mom, and what that looks like may change over time.
I can relate to the overwhelm, the pressure & feelings of urgency, and the competing priorities, and the frustration with the system, and I hope something lets up for you all soon. And that you get more migraine meds, and some pain free time.
I always tell my kids that I don’t want to be a burden to them when I get older. Then I think about when I actually DO get older, and I am sick and possibly broke, unable to work and likely frightened, and I hope that my kids would WANT to take care of me. Taking care of elderly parents is never easy when you have little kids in the house, oh my gosh it is so HARD, but kids are resilient and it is a great example to them of selflessness. If Tori sees this now, she will remember it and do the same for you later. However, there are always cases where it just isn’t possible to keep a parent at home and that is what those other facilities are for. I am sure your mom is happy to have you there with her, even if she isn’t always fully in her right mind. Take care.
I agree; we are doing the best we can here. I do believe Tori has learned a lot about helping family even when it’s hard.
Please be kinder to your mother. She needs you now. You are all she has. Tori will be fine with your mother there; she really will. This is a golden opportunity to show your mother your love and care. She is growing more fragile every day, and you may not have many of these opportunities left.
Please also consider letting your mother have some internet privacy.
beccy, respectfully,
i grew up with a very sick, very hostile parent. he had a head trauma, which brought out anger and resentment to the point that i don’t believe he really had full control of his faculties once the rages began. he once threw his cane at my head, missed it by an inch. pre-illness, that’s not who he was. at 47, now, i get chills thinking about, and i was only 12 when he fell ill.
he also didn’t like the way my mother parented us for the long while he’d been in the hospital. we didn’t have enough rules, we were too loose, my mom didn’t have enough control, etc., and these things also made him fly into a rage.
beccy, my most horrible memories of my father’s illness are not of the illness itself, but of the way he treated us during and after. if you think it won’t scar a child, think again.
(and cec, more than willing to talk with you about this if you’d like.)
Alyssa, also respectfully– Beccy’s comment may have been blunt, but her sentiments aren’t out of line.
Also, from what I’ve read on Cecily’s blog, the situation with her mom is not parallel to the one you describe with your father. I of course am sorry to read about what you went through, and you have all of my sympathy.
In this situation, what comes to my mind is that compassion and kindness is learned by example, and returned when given.
Love, kindness and care can come in many forms. Following these events and removing completely the emotional issues, it seems that the most loving thing for Cecily’s mom is for her to be in a different environment where she can get the 24-hours supervision and available rehab that is so desperately needed. This is not an easy decision nor is it appropriate for every one or every case.
Love, kindness and care must also be had for children in these situations. @Shandra gave a lovely example of empowering kids with language and I think that is a wonderful suggestion regardless of where her grandmother lives now or in the future. Tori will also be learning boundaries for herself and understanding that making a difficult choice can be for the best and everyone is different. She may also learn from the experience that judgements of other’s are best left at the door.
I think it’s important to remember that sometimes the best way to be kind to somebody, to show her your love and care, is to say, “I’m so sorry, but I can’t give you the things you need. The current situation is unsafe, and we need to change it.” Calling in the cavalry in the form of rehab or assisted living might be the best way to give that love and care, especially if it’s physically the safest thing, and especially if it protects people’s emotions and energy enough for them to be really present for each other.
Beccy, I appreciate your kindness in your comment, but I will say that my mother is always aware of what I post and fully supports it and believes I should write what I need to. She’s honored that I share about her here, and she’s a firm believer in honestly (even brutal honesty) because of growing up in a family that didn’t practice it.
I think it’s also important to remember that my mother is 64 and not even remotely at risk of dying; we’ve got plenty of time here. And trust me: she gets my love and care these days far more than my husband does – and I’m not sure that’s fair either.
It might not be “fair” that your mom needs extra care these days, but it is what it is.
Wasn’t Charlie’s own mother very sick? I think he can understand better than most people why he doesn’t have your undivided attention right now.
This is a really good time for your daughter to learn some real lessons about compassion, empathy and unconditional love. No amount of volunteering you can ever do with Tori will ever be able to match what taking care of her grandmother with love, patience and compassion in terms of teaching her life lessons she will keep for a lifetime. My MIL has Alzheimer’s. She stayed with us quite often (Fridays to Monday mornings) for two years, until she became too violent and delusional to live on her own safely. In those two years, my son, who was 7 when she went in the home, there was a ton of stress in the house, yes. But there were also a lot of lessons learned. My seven year old demonstrated more empathy and support than I ever thought a 7 year old could show. He would crawl into bed with my MIL at night just to make sure she wasn’t scared when she woke up in our strange house. I would see him reach for her hand in parking lots, not for his safety, but for hers. He was as good to her as she had been to him and I am still immensely, intensely proud of him for being there for her when she needed it most. I believe the experience, while not and easy one for any of us, especially shaped him into the person he is. He is empathetic. He is kind. He sometimes puts others in front of himself (though he’s nearly eleven so he is in selfish tween zone). I suggest you join a caregivers support group. Talk about your mom’s condition as much as you can with Tori- kids know when things are being hidden from them and the unknown is often scarier than the known. And remember, she is watching you…and you want to be able to look back someday and be proud of the model you have set for her. Peace to you as you face this journey.
I appreciate this insight, and I’ve already seen evidence of this same thing in Tori (after all my mother has lived with us and needed care for nearly two years now, and was hospitalized even before that). But boundaries need to be set, even with the love and compassion extended to a family member.
Your mom did the best she could for you, which doesn’t necessarily mean that it was the best for you. You are doing the best you can for Tori, and I think you should trust your instincts. She might hear you saying you want better for Tori as a criticism of her mothering. Or as an attack on her as a grandmother. Implying that your parenting choices are off frames her as the expert, and maybe making up for some of her choices. But, Tori is only 6. That’s really young. There’s a difference between overly sheltering your kid and protecting her. You know the difference. You know your kid and how she’s reacting to all of this. Your job as mother has to come before your job as daughter, no matter how hard that is to parse out. I think you’re doing a good job, just by being aware that it COULD be stressful to Tori.
What you are going through is so hard and scary. I hope it is over soon – that everyone is healthy and safe.
Thanks, sweetie. I appreciate that.
So sorry I hope some day your mom realizes that you are doing your best. And as a Parent I’d say you are doing the right thing putting Tori first.
HUGS!
Thanks.
It is really hard, especially when how you grew up is something you know you don’t want for your kids but you don’t have another clear model.
One thing I wanted to mention that I didn’t see in the comments above is that while your mother is at your home or with Tori, you can help give Tori the words and options for what she can do or say if she gets asked to do something she doesn’t want to do and so on. (I am assuming that of course your mum won’t be babysitting on her own.) My father suffered a traumatic brain injury and he has been left with some cognitive issues that make him odd. We have worked with my 7 year old on what he should say and do. As an example, if my father were to ask him to do something he could say “Grandpa, I’m _not ok_ doing that but I will go get mum/dad.” If Grandpa says something upsetting he can say “Stop, you are upsetting me” and come get us. Of course this is not a perfect system and it is my husband’s and my responsibility not to leave my son alone with my father, so we don’t.
But it has really empowered my son and enabled him to have a relationship with my father where he does feel like his feelings and boundaries are respected…which is the difference between his experience and how you and I grew up.
I winced a bit when you started throwing the traumatic word around…I believe you that it has been disturbing, particularly the screaming, but I also believe that Tori will take most of her cues from you and how you handle it. It’s not, IMO, a natural state of being that all families are free of people falling down or being confused. It’s actually a part of the grand sweep of life and while I _totally_ get why your mother’s “she has to live in the real world eventually” statement is inappropriate, and why it’s upsetting, it is a part of my belief system that with the direct supervision and loving guidance of a parent right there, kids are not only able to handle confusion and even arguments but that it actually is not bad for them. I did experience trauma as a child and again as an adult and I get pretty twitchy about it.
I can’t recommend caregiving support groups and information enough; lots of people have navigated these issues before and there is some great information out there.
This is brilliant insight – thank you. We will discuss this with Tori, since we are still looking at several months of living with my mom. Thank you.
Just hugs to you Cec – I do hope that the right things will happen at the right time for all of you.
Thanks! I do too.
I just wanted you to know that I think you’re doing well with a really, really hard thing.
Thank you. It is immensely hard.
Sorry for your rough times. Just curious about what kind of science your mother is involved with. I took science in University and never worked in the field, unfortunately.
She’s a geographer, Tracy!
Thanks for sharing. Sending as many good vibes as I can. *hugs*
Thanks, Jess.
Tori is your first priority-and frankly, it sounds as if your mom really does need a nursing home at this point. Have you ever told your mom about not feeling safe as a kid? It might be good-for both of you-to talk calmly about your perception of your childhood and how you want to make things different for your daughter.
It’s hard for me to discuss that stuff with her without her feeling a ton of shame; besides, it’s not like she can change the past, so I prefer to just try to do what I can to change Tori’s future. It’s one of the ways I am compassionate to my mom.
Cecily,
No advice, but I like what GreenInOC said. Even though you are beyond stressed right now, your priorities are in order: Tori is a child and has to – HAS TO – come first. You are a great mom.
I have a history of my mom putting her own mother first (and she lived to be 100 years old, no joke) and I still feel angry about that.
I’m so sorry, Andrea. That’s hard.
You ARE doing something positive here. You are sharing your feelings with all of us who may be going thru (or will down the road) similar things with our own parents. You are sharing that it is hard. You are sharing solutions that you find. AND you are getting your feelings out which has to bring you a little relief I’m sure. You are not a bad daughter or a bad mom! You are being a wonderful advocate for your mom but you still understand that your very young daughter needs stability, needs explanations, and needs protection still from some of the harsh realities of “the real world”.
{{{HUGS}}}}
Thanks, lady. How are you feeling?
I too am doing much care-giving for my mother who lives with us and has some serious health stuff going on. I would like to suggest, out of my own experience, that you ask for help with having good food available. Maybe you have friends who could cook some soup or stew that’s chock full of good vegetables and whatever meat you favor. That way you would have something available for yourself. Having good food available (I had several days early on in my current situation where I was able to run my large crockpot and freeze several dishes for future use-I have essentially lived off of these for the last 2 months) has made a huge difference in my energy levels, both mental and physical, and has made it easier to care for both myself and my mother.
Great idea, Anne. Thank you!
What many others (e.g. @Jennifer, above) have said, and hugs. And yes, kudos to you for sharing this with us because it, or something like it, lies in so many of our futures.
Thank you, honey. I appreciate it.
Wow, I really identify with that “not feeling safe as a kid” thing. I love my parents, and my mother has always shown me how much she loved me, but I always felt like I had to take care of things. We were always running out of supplies, like toilet paper. I remember our electricity being turned off. I found the apartment we moved into when I was 12 in the classifieds — why, exactly, would a 12-year-old feel the need to look in classifieds for an apartment? I hadn’t thought about some of these things in years, though, so thanks for sharing and giving me a bit of an “aha” about myself. And good for you for trying to give Tori that sense of safety. It’s not about sheltering her from the world; it’s about letting her feel like someone else is taking care of things so she can concentrate on growing up.
Anon, you really brought something back up for me here. I wasn’t looking for apartments at 12 but I worried every single year if we were going to lose our house to tax sale. We were always running out of something and I learned how to do my laundry at 9 because no clean socks for school. I never thought of that as not feeling safe but it probably explains why I am borderline obsessive when it comes to being “on top” of everything.
“I think it’s important to remember that sometimes the best way to be kind to somebody, to show her your love and care, is to say, “I’m so sorry, but I can’t give you the things you need. The current situation is unsafe, and we need to change it.””
These words are kind and wise. Cecily, you’re doing a terrific job. I can only hope things start to ease up for you and your mother and Charlie and Tori.
Oh honey, hang in there. I am so sorry you are going through this. My mom has a pretty serious neurological disorder and I know how scary it can be to see your parent out of it. Please try to take care of yourself and don’t feel guilty about going with your gut about protecting Tori. Keep up the good work momma (and daughter)…I’m sorry your family is going through this…thinking of you.
I say this with two years of medical hell behind me (husband had necrotizing fasciatis, has a rare form of leukemia & logged 75 hospital days, including 20 icu— seven year old has 15 neuro ward hospital days including 5 icu days & still daily meds)
My kids were 5 & 7 when their dad got sick, what they learned in 2011 & 2012 was how to expect I would act if they were sick. I didn’t fully understand how much of an impact my treatment of each “patient” had on each child until my daughter (now 9) was diagnosed with a clotting disorder — and in the midst of all the hospital craziness she told me ” it’s ok mommy, I don’t like the hospital – but I know you’ll take good care of me until I can go home”. That unshakeable belief that when our family members are sick I’ll take care of them, made all the months & months of crazy hospital & home caregiving worthwhile. You want your daughter to have that same certainty. She’s old enough to understand, and to my surprise my kids are already hazy about the details (thank heavens), but they firmly believe that I will always take care of our family — and that’s worth all the crazy months of caregiving/working/parenting without loosing my mind.
When you are tired and frustrated you keep going. Not because you want to but because you have to
Talk to the social worker about respite care. I’m sure yall qualify given the level of care she needs in home.
Thank you, i will.
I’m so sorry to hear about all of this. But, this reminds me so much of trying to help people who clearly need professional help. You can only do so much. You are not equipped to do this. I’m hoping that room opens up because you can’t do anymore. Also, don’t feel guilty. All of this is beyond your control and your capabilities. If only it were all too easy.
Hugs.
Thanks so much, Margie.
This is YOUR BLOG. Write whatever you need to write and don’t feel guilty if it isn’t sunny entertainment for the rest of us. We’ll survive and still be here when things are looking up for you. Whenever that is.
Thanks for that. It helps. :)
Fuckin’ a. You guys need a break. A serious break. Something has got to give already!
Thanks. Indeed we do.
“I know my mom is scared, and I know she’s lonely, and I know that she’s frustrated. And as much as I love her, I’m still going to put Tori first.”
I also faced this hateful, horrible “choice” (if you can even call it that) – and I chose, repeatedly, over several years, to put my child, my marriage and, if I’m totally honest, I suppose my own sanity, ahead of my ailing mother’s needs. Her “preferences” really. There were ample paid caretakers and facilities available to meet her true needs, and our family was beyond fortunate enough to be able to afford them. But my parents come from a generation where it was simply assumed that children (in particular, daughters and I’m the only one) would (personally) take care of aging parents.
In the end, it was simply more than I could handle, physically, logistically (I live 1000 miles away) and, maybe most of all, emotionally. I made a conscious choice to live with the guilt, rather than the “burden.” It was hard. It still is – and I lost my mother almost 2 years ago. But when I look at my daughter and see that she remembers only the good things about my mom, and none of the scary stuff she saw early on before I made those tough choices, I know I did the right thing for my family.
And I know, with more certainty than I feel about 98% of my choices in life, that if and when, years from now, I find myself in the same unfortunate situation my own my mother faced – bedridden and in need of 24 hour care – that the LAST person in the world I would want that task to fall on is my sweet, precious, beautiful daughter. I’ve told my husband, my friends and anyone else who will listen (and I will tell my daughter in time, as she becomes old enough to understand) that, should it ever come to that, I hope she comes to visit whenever she can comfortably do so, sits with me for a short while, holds my hand, kisses my forehead, and then gets the fuck out of there as fast as she can. I will have had my life by then. And the ONLY request I have of my child at that point is that she do everything in her power to enjoy hers.
Personally, having gone through both situations, I think dealing with geriatric parents is very much like infertility. It is simply impossible to understand the stress, the fear, the frustration, the anger and the feelings of utter and complete helplessness unless and until you’ve been through it yourself. Take your counsel wisely, knowing that you are operating from a place of good intent. From there, listen to your heart.
karen
Thank you so much! This is just what I feel too.
“Tori should feel safe, damn it, she should FEEL FUCKING SAFE.”
Cecily, please understand I am merely being an armchair psychologist here, but having years of hospice nursing under my belt has, by virtue of the profession and time spent with many, many families dealing with members “declining” and so have some prospective.
I’m trying to figure out exactly what it is you fear your daughter might feel as to make her feel unsafe…. and I’m flummoxed. Is it the pain of seeing her grandmother not as she used to be? Seeing that illness can rob people of living the life they previously did, and would like to continue doing so? Please explain as – and I say this very respectfully – I honestly don’t understand but would like to.
I’ve been a long time reader. We both suffered the loss of multiples, mine several years after you. I DO understand how that can make us perhaps a bit more proactive and protective of our other children, and it is something I constantly try to reign in because being “over protective” can do more bad for my kids than good. In the years of reading the #1 thing I easily picked up was/is the stamp of having so little financially growing up has left on you. THAT can, understandably, cause a child to be very fearful, feel very unsafe. Unquestionably. So I have found myself over the years wondering why that is not foremost in your mind in regards to making Tori feel safe. I totally agreed and understood your leaving the “regular” job you had before and after her birth. I’m doing the same, staying home with mine – at least until they are school age. Your daughter is older now. She has a father who due to a disability works from home. She obviously separates okay, handles time away from you when you go to conventions and such. Wouldn’t a “regular” job, one with a steady, able-to-rely-on income, possible health benefits and such give her a large sense of security? I know how it goes with the editing and writing you do now – how clients may fail to pay promptly, sometimes not at all, how self-employment offers no sick/vacation time, insurance benefits, etc.
I wonder, perhaps, if unconsciously, your mind is allowing your mother’s present situation to hide from you what it is you REALLY worry about in regards to ensuring your daughter feels safe?
Just a thought.
I sincerely hope your Mom progresses well and this cycle can end for all in your family.
Good post, Maura. My reaction to growing up with financial insecurity is to be maniacal about ensuring that it is a non-issue to my kids. I have a good union job, with benefits and a pension, and money in the bank. We live enough below our means to keep saving, and still do fun things. It’s the only way I can be at peace with myself, and sleep at night.
I’m not at all worried about money. I do have steady, regular paychecks now (I’ve picked good clients). I’ve done exactly what you’re suggesting, but I’ve done it as a freelancer instead of getting a 9-5 gig. I don’t discuss my work here much, but I have found several steady gigs that pay on time each month so we know exactly when and where our $ are coming from. Charlie, too, has steady, regular work (I don’t know why some folks think he doesn’t work, he does – he edits medical and professional articles for a well known publisher here in Philly). We are paying all of our bills. We’d hoped to start some savings but thanks to my mom’s issues we’ve also had to pay her bills (student loans 30 years and counting) and that’s slowed us down a bit. But financially I’m not a bit worried; not only do I have work now, I spend time each week working to find new clients and opportunities.
I appreciate your concern, but frankly, it’s not needed. Secondly, we never speak about money in front of Tori (other than telling her we do not need to spend more money on toys for her, she can wait for her birthday or Christmas or swag, LOL).
We really are okay. I’m sorry I haven’t made that more clear, but for the last couple of years (since January of 2011) I’ve had perfect steady income. That doesn’t mean that some weeks aren’t lean, they are. But we’re doing great.
As for benefits, don’t worry about that either. We’ve figured that out too. :)
Maura, I replied to Laura’s comment below (but I was also replying to you as well).
Tori is 6 she should definitely feel safe, and I don’t think she needs to live in the real world. Hell I don’t even want to live in the real world and I’m 29 years old.
LOL. Indeed.
This hit home for me, we live with my grandparents and I definitely feel like they expect more from my kids who are 4 and almost 2. Hopefully I will be out of here soon.
There is so much good stuff in these comments, I don’t think I could add anything. As a long time hospice nurse I have watched families face these hard desisions over and over. You and your husband have to decide what is right for your family and hold that boundary with love and compassion. It won’t be easy. Hugs to you Cecily.
Thanks, Heather. We’re trying.
Cecily, We all have different abilities & strengths. In my opinion it is perfectly okay to say that you’ve examined yours, that you’ve looked at all factors involved & that providing home care is just something you can no longer do. “I just cannot do this in a way that’s good for you Mom & fair to my family” is truth & it is perfectly okay to say it.
I hope that your mother is able to regain strength & health, that her medical team can get to the root of what is causing her ongoing issues. Hugs to you & your family.
Thanks, Jean. I hope so too.
It sounds as if you have a plan in place, so that is a step in the right direction. I hope that the decision itself gives you some measure of relief.
You must do what works best for your family. You cannot continue to function so terribly stressed out. It’s not fair to you, to your daughter, to your husband or to your mother. You have to find a balance that works for all of you, and only you can determine what that might be. Go easy on yourself. You’re in a crappy position and there are no perfect solutions.
Thank you. It’s so true. :)
Whoa. That your mom is yelling at Tori and asking her to do things that are not for six-year-olds to do is utterly and completely not ok. Tori should be able to feel safe in her own home, and she has no way to fix not feeling safe– you have to create that safe environment for her. If that means your mom doesn’t get her first choice of how she would like to be cared for, then, with love and respect for your mom, that is just how it has to be. If your mom is a yeller, or thinks that Tori needs to toughen up, or whatever, you aren’t going to change that. But you can change whether Tori has to live with that situation in her house. Also, the stress levels you are describing are not sustainable. Something has to give. Your mom isn’t going to like anything that isn’t your house, but that doesn’t mean that your house is the best place for her.
My mom isn’t a yeller as much as her illness MAKES her a yeller. Sadly.
I understand how stressful it is dealing with a sick parent. Six months after my mother nearly died from an opportunistic fungal infection, my father was diagnosed with Stage 4 cancer. My parents stayed with us for two months while he sought treatment at a cancer center that was in our area. We hosted them unquestioningly and because we wanted to. We were frank with my 4 year old and she knew that her Papa was very sick. She knew all about his port and the chemo pump he had to drag around. When we knew he had just days left to live, we spent them with him in my parents home. Again, my daughter knew how sick he was and we told her he was dying. But we went about with the daily things of life and she spent quality time with him. We did not force her to do anything she didn’t want to do and she was not traumatized (my husband is a child psychologist, we did consider her maturity and emotional health). My father spent his last days with his granddaughter who was one of the people in this world he loved most. My daughter will likely have vague memories of him but his last memories are of her.
My point with that is this. You should take care of your mother if you want to, if you have a sense of obligation that causes the very obvious resentment that comes across in your writing, then own it. Don’t hide behind your child, tell your mother you aren’t emotionally capable of caring for her in your home and work with her to find a safe environment for her. Also, don’t assume that your mother is not remotely at risk of dying. Before my father was diagnosed with cancer he was perfectly healthy. He had a physical 3 months before and his doctor said he was the healthiest patient his age. He still worked, he was a collegiate swimmer and still swam many times a week, he didn’t smoke, and he played golf every day. 9 months after his diagnosis he was dead.
Yes, sometimes being a grown up sucks. I get it. I’ve had to deal with infertility, pregnancy loss, divorce, single parenthood, and death of a parent in the last 6 years. But let me leave you with this. The whole time my father was sick, he never once complained. My mother remarked to him about this once and he said “what choice do I have? If I am angry and bitter, I will still have cancer. I choose to make every day as good as it can be.” The lives we lead are in large part a result of the choices we make. If you don’t like the situation you are in now, make a different choice.
Thank you Suzanne, for this comment. It is incredibly insightful and inspiring. It would be nice if Cecily took it on board, but even if she doesn’t, I am sure there are many out there who will find inspiration in your words.
I take great pains to nurture a relationship between my children and their grandparents. These relationships can be some of the most meaningful in a child’s life (not to mention for the grandparent themselves, as you rightly pointed out). My two grandmothers are such powerful influences in my life, and my paternal grandmother died six days after my third birthday. As we lived next door to her, I spent a lot of time with her and my memories of her are of an angel, literally an angelic person, sweet and nurturing and showing me nothing but unconditional love. I hope your daughter has this type of tangible memory of her grandfather. I am so impressed you allowed your child the chance to make these memories, which I can attest, even at such a young age can be incredibly enduring.
My maternal grandmother lived to a ripe old age, dying when I was 39. While she was quite Victorian in her attitudes, strict and a disciplinarian, my memories of her are no less loving. I spent my childhood baking with her, being cared for by her when I was sick, gardening with her, and as I got older, sitting at her kitchen table drinking endless cups of tea.
These women are the essence of the mother I want to be to my own daughters. And are the driving force behind nurturing a similar relationship between my girls and their grandmothers (and grandfathers too, of course). Unfortunatey, we do not live so close to my kids’ grandparents. In fact, we are on the other side of the world and sometimes that makes me sad, but it only serves to strengthen my resolve to ensure my daughters have the opportunity to have what I had with my grandmothers.
I do not have a good relationship with my mother at all. But since having children, I have put that aside for the sake of my girls. While she may have had many faults as a mother, I am giving her the opportunity to be a loving grandmother to my children. Not because she necessarily deserves it, but because my daughters most definitely do.
YOU. ARE. A. GREAT. MOM.
You’re not trying to shield your child from all pain and disappointment in the world. In fact, after reading your blog for a good long while, I think pretty much the opposite. I think you are incredibly realistic with Tori. You ARE raising her in the real world and allowing her to have real world experiences. But you also realize that she is a child, and you want to protect her childhood. There are some parts of childhood that should be sacred. Cecily, if I could get that through to the parents of the kids I work with, I might work myself out of a job. The fact that you are so aware of the trauma that your mom’s condition may be inflicting on her lets me know that you will do everything you can to make sure she is okay.
Kudos to you. Go eat, drink, and do whatever makes you feel good. Now is the time to nurture–yourself, your husband, and your awesome little girl!
You are absolutely right. Tori needs to feel safe, and she should come first. My MIL is suffering from depression with a hearty dose of self-medicating alcoholism, and she invited us over and then cut her wrists with a knife because she knew we would be there WITH THE KIDS. I had to try and block their view of their grandma being loaded into the ambulance as she cursed out the EMTs and sobbed and carried on. Never again. Now my husband has to fully ‘vet’ her before any visits to insure that she is in her right mind and sober first. She isn’t my mom, and it hurts me to see my husband so hurt by her behavior, but we both refuse to feel obligated to let her near our children. My father was mentally ill and we all grew up too fast, and I know that we were all very afraid, all the time. It is no way for a child to grow up, if you can help it at all.
As always, you, Charlie, Tori, and your mom are in my thoughts. I hope she is placed in a safe facility for all of your peace of mind.
I didn’t read all of the comments before, now I have, and I am going to say something else.
I am not a ‘head patter’, but I have to say I understand where Cecily is coming from. There is a VERY big difference between caring for an aging parent who has cancer, for example, and one who has an illness that is affecting their mental state and personality, such as dementia or stroke. My grandfather had a stroke when I was in high school, and for a brief time he swore and was rude with his family and caretakers, a total change from the kind and respectful man he was. It was frightening for me, even though I was a teenager and had been told what to expect. I may be wrong, but I think from reading Cecily’s posts that Tori’s stress and fear comes from her grandmother not being the person she usually is, which can be traumatizing for a child. Yes, taking care of parents in their old age can be a bonding experience filled with angels and rainbows, but for many people it is not, and our children shouldn’t become casualties in the middle. My father was schizophrenic, and most of the time he was a loving dad…until he was not. And I can tell you from personal experience that it was the unpredictability of his behavior that was upsetting. It was also the reason why my mother had to break with him, even though it condemned us to poverty. *
*I know your mom isn’t mentally ill, but her illness occasionally echos my dad’s behavior when he was not himself. I hope that whatever is causing her imbalances is discovered soon and kicked for good.*
Wow, your experiences sound horrific, Chickenpig. I can see how our opinions vary based on personal experience. My take from what Cecily has written about her mother wasn’t anywhere near those kind of mental health issues. Sure, she hinted at her mother asking Tori to help her inappropriately, but gave no detail. I got the impression her mother was mostly annoying. Cecily has complained about incessant questions when they were watching tv, having to drive her places, inhibiting their sex life, questioning her parenting of Tori. But that’s just my impression based on what Cecily writes. I totally get that it would be stressful dealing with your mother living in the house with you 24/7 (personally I would find it hard to deal with too) but as others have said, own that. Don’t try and make it about protecting the child. As I pointed out above, a good relationship between granddaughter/grandmother can be a wonderful thing. It would be a shame to deny Tori that if it was actually possible.
Mel, you bring up some good points, and it’s hard to talk about some details with my mom without crossing the boundaries she and I have set for writing about her on my blog. I was willing to live with the typical (often annoying) details of living with four people in a tiny house (like the incessant questions, etc). I’ve never minded driving my mom around at all – it just becomes a bit challenging to do that while also getting Tori to and from school and doing my work. We were able to juggle everything, even our sex lives, with only a bit of mildly inappropriate venting on Twitter.
Sadly, since October, the unpredictability of my mom’s health and behavior are what has frightened Tori, and been too much of a stress on us all. There is so, so, so much about my mom’s condition that I don’t write about, and I guess I’m asking the folks that read my blog to understand and trust me that I have good reasons for the decisions I make. Protecting Tori from those really bad parts is really important to me, and I disagree that honoring her by not making her feel afraid and stressed is “hiding” behind my child.
I have no intention of not allowing Tori to have a relationship with my mother! That’s not even on the table. Sadly, both of Tori’s grandfathers are dead and my mother-in-law is completely incapacitated by Alzheimer’s, so my mother is all Tori’s got. That’s one of the reasons we’ve chosen to let my mom stay living here until she can be moved into a senior living facility that’s a quarter of a mile away.
Delurking to say that sometimes cancer treatments can cause personality shifts as well— my mother had manic phases on prednisone where she would be irrational, volatile, and very difficult to reason with. Not to mention the overall stress chemotherapy/radiation/etc. can cause on the body.
I am not trying to say that one is worse than the other, but to ask that we not play pain olympics. One of the hardest parts about caring for my mother during her chemo was seeing her so afraid, desperate, and angry when I had always known her as a strong, confident woman.