I am terrified.
I realize, after thinking about these last four months since my mother’s first hospitalization for falling and injuring herself, that I am terrified that the rest of my life (or at least my mom’s life) is going to be about me trying, and failing, to be enough to everyone in my family.
I’ve spent so much time with fear being my primary emotion: first, as a young girl, worried about us not having enough money, then as I aged I began a two decade long obsession with what people think of me and do they like me and am I okay and who do you want me to be today? I was a career code switcher, trying desperately to dance for approval in front of whomever is in front of me at that moment.
It was awful.
When I got sober, my fear turned inside out, and I realized that it was controlling me and everything I did. I still felt fear; I was consumed with a toxic mix of ego and self-hatred and I was afraid – particularly at work – all. the. time. But I did the painful and painstaking work you have to do to move beyond letting the fear own you.
While I struggled again with fear during my infertility, and certainly during my pregnancy with Tori, those fears were simple and tangible and they weren’t self-directed. Even now, this fear that I won’t be enough, isn’t really internal. It’s practical; I literally do not know if I will be enough.
I am bad at this stuff. I’m inherently selfish, and I want to do things I want to do like get haircuts and have dates with Charlie and go on vacation and go to dinner with my friends. I don’t want to have to stay home so my mom isn’t alone, or wait a few more weeks until the bills are all paid to get my hair done, or pay our mortgage instead of going on a family trip. There’s a petulant three year old inside of me that is stomping her foot and yelling, all day every day.
I feel trapped.
I don’t like myself when I’m like this, and I don’t like the fact that I beat myself up when I do it. (see what I did there?)
I try to take little moments; go to my room and lie down and watch an episode of the old Law & Orders from the 1990s (I find them soothing, I don’t know why). I stay up after everyone else is asleep, just to read. I go back to bed after Tori goes to school for an hour to get more rest. I let myself eat food that comforts me, even though it’s stopped my weight loss (but no gain, thank god).
I’m also blessed with some of the biggest life cheerleaders in my friends. I don’t know how I’d survive without the group of women I jokingly call my “sister wives.” I owe them my sanity.
But what I really want is to dump that selfish three year old and practice acceptance instead. But I’m fighting to remember that before acceptance comes awareness and then willingness, and only THEN comes the peace of acceptance.
So today, I think, I will practice patience. And remind myself of love. Because when it comes to love, I’m the luckiest woman alive.
For now? I’m just going to breathe.
{ 18 comments… read them below or add one }
No brilliant words. just a gentle hug and someone who can sit next to you and repeat breathe, breathe, breathe until it helps, or you slap me. ;) (cause slapping someone sometimes helps too. At least for a second or two.)
We all have that three year old inside. It’s nearly impossible not to listen to her sometimes. You got this, I have seen you through it all and I know deep in my heart you can do this and do it with grace.
Oh my god. You have put into words everything I’m feeling right now. I’m dealing with a live-in mother-in-law right now. I am also dealing with the death of my career and future family due to illness – and waiting for possible brain surgery or the words “you’re not eligible” which will mean I will feel this way for years or maybe my whole life. My husband is supportive as a caretaker but distant as a husband.
You said it all. I FEEL TRAPPED.
As much as I wanted children I am glad I don’t have them right this second. I need to get away. We finally got a back payment for disability through my work and I told my husband I need to get out of here. I am going to Hawaii all alone for a week. Somewhere warm, on the beach, and AWAY.
I hope you’ll be able to get away soon, even if it’s just for a few hours. You have all my empathy. So sorry you feel this way. It fucking sucks.
xoxo
Spokane
Radical acceptance sounds so easy in the black and white print of a Pema Chodron book, but DAMN if it isn’t one of the hardest things we could possibly practice. I’ve been where you are–and I’ll probably be where you are tomorrow. It helps to know I’m not alone!
Yep. Trapped is a good way to put it. Thing’s are sort of better right now for us–but the first two years were very hard. When she is off schedule it is hard. When I am sick it is hard. When I want to go do something…normal and know that it will hurt her feelings that I don’t take her–it is hard. And yeah–trapped.
Many hugs to you.
Okay, here’s the *good* news: you’ve found your new voice. Or, story. Whatever. Many of the folks that were with you through infertility, the loss of your twins, Tori’s birth/life are dealing with similar issues. Much as I did back in my infertility days, I am eager to hear other voices dealing with what I’m dealing with. Which in our case happens to be the care of our young children + care of our parents.
This reminds me of how I explained to my kids that bravery does not mean not being afraid, it means doing the right thing even when you are afraid. You don’t need to work so hard to exorcise the stamping three-year-old. You need to acknowledge that you are managing to do the right thing despite that.
The older I get, the more I resent not getting me time (and the louder that inner 3yo gets). And I don’t even have a sick mom or anything- just 2 young kids. So I hear you!
Cecily, I think we ALL have an inner 3 year old that would rather go to Tahiti than pay the bills this next month! I’ve found you can acknowledge the feeling, laugh about it without beating yourself up… and get back to the business of doing what you need to do to support your life. Also, I’ve found that when my inner 3 yr old is making too many appearances that it usually stems from me drifting away from being grateful for the many things I have in my life.
Do you begin each morning & end each day reflecting upon one thing, however small that you are grateful for? Try it, I’ve found that it makes a huge difference in my thoughts, attitudes & dealings with others.
You are simply human ~ not a super being. What you are feeling is normal and it is important to tell this truth. The details to the story change but your feeling are simply human.
EVERYONE who carries responsibilities for other people has these feelings. We need to hear the cry and then hear the roar of those who have done it before you. It is totally impossible to cope with what is landing on you, and yet, you will cope because there is no alternative.
I dont’t know anyone who would not unterstand you. We are all trapped “adults”, more or less. It helps my personal littly selfish soul a lot, when I talk to her, kindly and every day. For example every morning when she refuses to get up in time before work. Most of the time she listens and it has a positive effect when I tell her: “C’m on! You are lucky, you have a warm house, enough food, a healthy child and a loving husband. Be patient, better times will be coming, there will be spring soon….”
“I don’t like myself when I’m like this, and I don’t like the fact that I beat myself up when I do it. (see what I did there?)”
I do the same exact thing. :(
Feeling trapped is a trigger for anyone, and if you have a history of trauma, can cause intense feelings and reactions. You’re doing awesome. You’re human. You’re writing about it. You’re facing it. Thanks for sharing what you do.
Oh, honey. I’m a single mom saddled with 3-year-old twins, a dad with Alzheimer’s, and a mom with a chronic lung disease (she never smoked). We’re in and out of crisis, and sometimes it is really, really hard. But you adjust. And your situation evolves in ways you can’t predict.
You’re in crisis right now, but the crisis is not permanent, so don’t let it freak you out. Your mom will either get better or she won’t, and you will make decisions accordingly. You just have to make up your mind that you are your mom’s advocate, always, if not necessarily her primary caregiver, and you are always going to do your best so you won’t have guilt about it later. This has to be your mindset when you have folks who are over 60, because this is life when you’re a middle-aged child, sorry to say.
Hang in there, and be as sweet to your mom as you can. And Tori. And Charlie. Praying for you all!
well. sometimes the three year old should win. you’re a caretaker; you need the haircut. tahiti is maybe unreasonable. you can do this, you have to be able to do it. my son is two months old, my parents are in their mid-sixties, and you are my future. i’m counting on you. no pressure. ;)
you aren’t selfish. the three year old just wants you to be sane enough to keep the machine running. you’re under a great deal of pressure, and the three year old shows you what you need, because adult you loves everyone too much to let anyone down. you aren’t a bad person for resenting your position. anyone would.
I’m in a similar place. I’m an only child with two kids and two desperately sick (and divorced) parents. When I look ahead down the road I’m on, I see two dead parents and two grown children and what will I be then? Will I be nothing? That’s my fear.
Always do your best. As long as your doing the best you are able to, you cannot (or shouldn’t) beat yourself up about what you cannot do.
I’ve found that the best lessons I’ve learned in life, the things that have changed and sustained me, have been the hardest to do. They take practice; in the end they transform your life.
Patience is a great place to start.