At 9pm last night, the phone rang. Tori was refusing to sleep, and I was trying to get her back into her bed as I answered the phone. It was my mother’s neurologist.
I no longer have the freedom to ignore phone calls. Last Monday, after having an amazing weekend where she felt great, my mom headed off to her endocrinologist’s office and then to teach her class. She’d been cleared for driving, and had in fact been driving for a few days before Monday without problems. As long as her calcium stayed low, she was fine, and she was chugging water like a champ in an effort to keep the calcium down.
But none of that helped when a car pulled out right in front of my mom on Monday evening on her way home. She totaled her car – both airbags went – and was rushed to the hospital. She called me around 5pm from the emergency room; her arm was injured and she had a large hematoma on her hip from the seat belt. Turns out her left harm was broken all the way through (both bones), so she was admitted for observation over night (back at our local hospital; the ambulance refused to take her to the better, larger hospital).
Because the hematoma was slow to resolve, they kept her for a couple extra days.
Then she got pneumonia.
Again.
Then she got sicker. Today she’s confused, combative, paranoid, angry, and restrained.
I’m working with her doctors now to get her transferred to the better hospital, but it might be a challenge. I’m in close touch with her insurance company and the police about the accident. I’m checking her email, paying her bills, and talking with her nurses and doctors every day. I’m visiting her daily, calling her several times a day – even when my calls don’t help.
I’m fast approaching the point where I don’t know what to do. This roller coaster is… horrid. Tori is sad and missing me because I’m always with my mom or dealing with my mom or arguing with her doctors. Charlie is struggling to support me and taking too heavy a load for our family.
And my mom. My poor mom.
We’re all so damned tired.
I wish I had something happier to share here. I don’t. And now it’s time to go back to the hospital.
{ 48 comments… read them below or add one }
So sorry about all of this. Also sounds like you are exhausted. Family will get through it. You have no other options it seems.
Best to you
What a nightmare. You poor mum doesnt get a break at the moment. You are great sticking by her as you are. It wont be forever.
Cecily, this is tough news. I really admire how hard you are working at taking care of your family. I wish I had something helpful to add. I hope it’s some small comfort to know that their are strangers (like me) on the Internet that are pulling for you.
Lots of hugs and positive thoughts. We are in the middle of this as well – my grandparents just moved into an assisted living facility, but still require constant attention from me and my mom. And my mom is back up childcare for me, so I know she’s overwhelmed, but what other options are there?
Welcome to the sandwich generation, huh? Wish I had some sage advice, but I don’t. Hang in there, know that it will get better, even if it takes some time.
I wish I had a way to lighten your load, Cecily. All I can offer are prayers and long distance support. {{{Hugs}}} and I hope things get better soon.
I’m so sorry. Damn it all. Your family can’t seem to catch a break at all can you. Prayers for calm peace and healing. And very gentle hugs and please don’t let teh phone ring late again, that’s never good.
Good heavens. If it helps to know that a random stranger halfway across the country is begging the cosmos to give you an effin’ break already…well…know that.
And another from North of the Border!!
I’m so sorry, honey. You are a wonderful daughter, mom, and partner. You can’t be everywhere at once. Tori will be okay while you deal with a crisis. You are showing her that family pulls together and gets stuff done when we need each other.
Wonderful points made, Toni. This is the stuff that makes a person who he or she is. Tori will see how you and Charlie care for your mom and she will know that THIS is family.
Oh Jeez, Cecily. You keep going because you have to. I’m wishing you an easier load, a sliver of peace, and a much needed break soon.
Just one possible organizational idea. When she is back on her feet again maybe you could talk to her about getting her bills in cycle with yours. At least that way her financial stuff might be easier to keep track of.
I’m sorry you are in this exhausting time and I hope that it clears up soon.
One thing few people mention is how expensive this is for small business owners. My husband is the caretaker for his 91-year-old mother, and every hour he spends straightening out her issues (which are legion) is an hour he either works in the wee hours of the morning or forfeits pay. I’m so sorry for what this is costing you, in every way.
Sending you a lot of empathy, and wishes for peace and clarity to be able to handle all you have on your plate right now. I am so sorry.
Oh Cecily!
Sending lots of good thoughts your way.
-r
So sorry that this is happening. Praying for strength and answers from her doctors.
My mom used to say if you didn’t have anything nice to say, you should keep your mouth closed. How is your comment helpful?
It’s says something very nice that she notices that her husband has had to step up in a major way, and that it is equally hard for him.
May you live in safety.
May you be happy.
May you be healthy.
May you live with ease.
Wishing you blessings and peace.
nightmare as earlier commenter said. un-fucking-fair. so sorry, all of it. ALL OF IT. Peace, prayerful thoughts. Hang in there.
Well fuck. I’m sorry this derailed this way. Just keep looking at it as a temporary thing. You’ll all emerge ok.
Very sorry this has happened. Keep putting one foot in front of the other. When this is resolved, you will be able to be satisfied that you did your best, and that’s not a negligable achievement.
I’m so very, very sorry,
I’m praying for you and your mom and your whole family.
Oh Lord – tough times do forge tough people, but do they really need to be so tough? Prayers for you and your family, Cecily – and I agree with MamaBee – in a way you are sandwiched 3 ways because you also work for yourself.
So sorry. It’s such a helpless feeling dealing with medical trauma. Hope she heals soon.
I’m so sorry your Mom has had this really horrible set back. I hope & pray that she’s able to get excellent care in the better hospital & heal quickly.
I’m so sorry, Cecily. I hope things ease up soon. Positive thoughts for your mom and all of you.
This is so not fun and I get that it’s tough on Tori and Charlie but this is all really normal for families.
Just before I married Mr. G (or he married me?) my Grandmother had her first fall. There were many more and there was a move from NY to LA in a blizzard…not just any blizzard but the blizzard in 1996 where they ran out of everything including hotel rooms. I’m really lucky that my mom and I were able to care for her together with my brother taking care of business on the other end. I guess this is where the sibling thing makes it all easy.
Ultimately my Grandmother ended up living with us here in LA, not with us but near us where we could visit every day. We didn’t have much in the way of help for her until my son was born and I looked around the room and realized that my Grandmother, Daughter and Son were all in diapers and it was up to me to deal with everyone’s shit. Literally.
I had a little melt down. I highly recommend a controlled mini-melt-down. They’re good for the soul.
After that our relationship changed again and I began letting other people help her. It’s really hard when you’re taking care of two generations at once but I’d argue that it’s the only thing that’s really worth doing. My son learned to walk on my grandmother’s walker. My Grandmother taught my daughter to read.
When it’s time to care for my mother (who has promised to cliff dive if things get tricky) my kids will know what to do and they’ll know why it’s worth doing it.
I love the idea of a controlled mini-melt-down. I might need to schedule one of those myself.
Great comment here. I saw my mom go through this with both her parents. Her mom (my Nan) was in and out of the hospital for months for heart disease complications during the same time my oldest sister had her first baby. They both needed her so badly; she took on this superwoman persona and seemed to be 3 places at once at all times. She even stayed on at her job as an elementary school teacher. My dad became quite the Mr. Mom :)
Years later it was her dad’s (my Pop) turn; he had Alzheimer’s. The floor of the nursing home he ultimately ended up in was called the Rainbow Floor…. saying he had gone “Somewhere Over the Rainbow” provided her with a much needed chuckle now and again. She visited him every weekend, was the executor of his estate, etc. When I went with her I would play piano for Pop and the other patients in the dining room, and on the way home we would talk about the disease and the trials and tribulations of caring for your parents as they age.
Now my SO’s father is going through the same thing with his mom, and luckily I’ve been able to lend some advice.
I hope for you that Charlie steps up to the plate. “Too heavy” can’t be in the vocabulary during times like these– things are tough, but certainly doable. When you get tired, you’ve gotta create your own Wizard of Oz song. Best wishes to you.
How is her comment unkind? Because she says this is often the reality for many families?
Jessica’s post was kind and thoughtful and constructive.
She was talking about a commented I unpublished.
My loving kindness post was directed to the mean post too, but stands for you as well. thinking of you all & hoping for a break in all the crap. Breathe. And melt down as necessary!
Oh Cecily, I’m sorry. I can hear the stress in your post. I hope your mom recovers quickly but I would guess that based on recent history you are seeing this as one in a string of events, with plenty of uncertainty about what lies ahead, and understandably so.
Cecily, I am terribly sorry to hear about your Mom… 2013 doesn’t sound like its starting off that fantastic for anyone I know! Hopefully between her doctors and the insurance company you can get her moved to the better hospital where her doctors are.
Charlie sounds like a wonderful man. He will only take on as much as he can. It is totally understandable that Tori misses you and eventually she will understand that you were only doing what you had to do to help your mom. At her age its difficult. My mom done the same thing for her sister who underwent treatment for brain cancer… I missed her and it was hard on us but we managed. And so will you all! Keep your head up and stay as strong as you can! Sending good vibes your way!
This. Is. Hard. Thinking about you guys . . .
The calls always help. For both of you.
I’ve been through the hospital dance with loved ones and it sucks rocks. But your mom is blessed to have you there as her advocate.
(((Cecily))) Thinking of you and your family. Hoping for a quick recovery.
Aww man I hope things improve for you and that your mom gets better soon. At least she’s in good hands.
XO
My beloved dad died 12 days ago of complications from lung cancer. I had to be the one to tell the doctor to remove his ventilator tube, because my mother and brother couldn’t speak the words. I would give anything to visit him and hold his hand again or question his doctors or hug his nurses.
I don’t say this with snark, but with a different perspective, stemming from the loss of my dad: the exhaustion you’re feeling now? Some day, if you’re lucky, you will reflect on these moments and be happy you were here to help.
I really don’t like when people say to me “I don’t know how you do it.” because you just…do it (whatever “it” is). The alternative is never getting out of bed and that’s not really the best option. But girl, you sure do have a lot on your plate right now. Thinking of you and your family. Hoping things turn around soon.
Aw, Cecily. Sending prayers you and your families way. Find joy where you can, find rest where you can, hug each other often.
I as soooooooooooo sorry :(((((
Hugs all round. Sounds like a freaking stressful situation. Just keep Swimming Cecily. Just keep swimming. And then when the crisis is over plan something GOOD FOR YOU. The best gift a caregiver can give to themselves is some pampering, whatever the form.
Oh god, what a nightmare again, that probably could have been prevented if she had not driven the car. She should not drive at all, never again, for her own safety and the sake of you all.
I cross my fingers for her recovery!