This is a sponsored post.
So we are fully in the swing of the school year, and we have great news to report from the school front: Tori LOVES her new school. Every day when we pick her up, she fights going home.
It’s amazing.
Tori liked kindergarten at first too, of course. But the day she came home with her first “behavior note” – a whopping six days into the school year – she began shrinking into herself. By the end of the school year, she was miserable each day at school, and not simply because she was so tired of always getting into trouble: she was suffering from some mild bullying.
About three months before the end of the school year, one of Tori’s best school friends decided that Tori was persona non grata and ordered most of Tori’s friends to stop playing with her. You can imagine how this devastated Tori. Parenting in such a situation is so tough; there’s so little I can do as a parent, particularly since it didn’t involve what most people think of as “traditional” bullying; there were no threats, no name calling, no violence – just a simple removal of friendship.
I remember something similar happening to me in third grade; my two best friends, Jenny and Veronica, came to school one day and simply ignored me all day. I tried to speak to them and they pretended I wasn’t there. It was so fucking horrible – and worse, in fact, than the actual bullying I suffered (you know, getting beaten up and stuff). The next day they were back to normal, but I never trusted them fully again.
For Tori, those friendships never returned. She played with a few of the boys from her class, but none of the girls were her friends during the last three months at school. I don’t blame the teacher, either; with thirty kids in her class and no help, it would be impossible to monitor this particular brand of bully behavior, and honestly, how can a teacher force kids to be friends?
Nonetheless, this was a major factor in our deciding to move Tori to the Philadelphia Free School. I can already tell how different this school is for Tori; she comes home content and bubbly, and each day we arrive to pick her up she begs to not leave (after the first day when she called and asked to go home at noon; by the time we came to get her, she was wanting to stay). We’re very happy with our decision to have Tori in this school, and it’s great fun hanging out with the directors and other parents as the kids wind down the day playing outside.
But I wonder if even just one of Tori’s friends at the old school had stood up to the class queen bee and decided to stay friends with Tori no matter what, would we have pursued this other school so heartily? Would Tori have been so willing to abandon her first school?
I don’t know.
……….
So the folks behind a great new app called Awesome Upstander! are sponsoring this post. The app is really interesting; instead of the more traditional programs addressing bullying that I’ve seen – most of which are simply awareness campaigns – it addresses the kids that WITNESS bullying, suggesting that they should “stand up” in defense of the bullied and make it clear that bullying is wrong and unacceptable. Here’s how they describe the app:
Awesome Upstander!, the first-ever anti-bullying game for young kids, is the most funway to learn how to deal with bullies. Awesome Upstander! is a side-scrollingadventure where players must race through school cafeterias and bathrooms torescue a target from a bully. To successfully rescue the target, players must collectenough friends to become upstanders and stand up to the bully together. AwesomeUpstander! can be played for free at awesomeupstander.com, or downloaded in theApple App Store or Google Play for $0.99.
Before letting her play with the app, Tori and I talked about bullying for a while. When I asked her what it was she said, “It’s when people are super mean to you and hit you and give you wedgies!” I asked her if she thought what happened to her in kindergarten was bullying, and she thought about it a while, and said yes, she guessed it was. Then I asked her what she should do when she sees someone get bullied, and in typical kid enthusiasm said, “Tell them to stop it! Then tell an adult!” I told her that was called ‘standing up’ for someone, and then gave her my phone to play with the app.
I didn’t see her for over an hour.
The app isn’t super fancy; the illustrations are simple and the play just challenging enough to hold Tori’s interest. I think older kids might not find it as much fun as Tori did, but it is an excellent start in educating kids about this subject. Frankly, I think targeting kids Tori’s age is a really smart plan, and could really make a big difference in the future.
Take a look. It’s a great way to spend $.99!
{ 13 comments… read them below or add one }
I’m so sorry that happened to your daughter. In kindergarten in particular I don’t think kids should be allowed to exclude anyone from play. I’ve never understood people just accepting bad behavior from children toward other children as if it’s just something natural everyone must endure. They are still learning, and need guidance! It may be natural for some kids to torture animals, too, and we wouldn’t stand by and let that happen.
When there were odd tensions between my daughter and one of her friends last year I talked to the other mom. In our case my daughter’s actions were being interpreted as mean, and it actually wasn’t her intention. I was glad the other mother came to me, and we were able to discuss it and figure out where the miscommunications were and now everything is fine. On the one hand I didn’t know if that was overstepping my bounds, but on the other it seemed wrong not to use it as a teaching moment and help the girls salvage a friendship. In any case, parents of the bully need to know. You can’t assume they do.
And I’m so glad your daughter is enjoying her new school! That’s the best.
I swear, your posts tend to show up right when I need to see what’s happening in my own life through someone else’s eyes. My son went through exactly what Tori did last year, and I am so afraid he will go through it again this year. Maybe this app will help him. Thanks for sharing this, Cecily.
Here’s an interesting post from a teacher about one of his rules – “You can’t say you can’t play” – and how it plays out in his class: http://teachertomsblog.blogspot.com/2011/09/sometimes-you-can-say-you-cant-play.html
My daughter started at a Sudbury school near us a little over a year ago. She went from a depressed, anxious, socially awkward 9 year old diagnosed with multiple learning disabilities using a IEP to get through 3rd grade; to a proud, self possessed, opinionated, (still somewhat socially awkward, but hey, the school seems to cater to the awkward among us), reading for the joy of it, master of Greek and Roman mythology, computer programming 10 year old.
I think she will always struggle with how her brain processes information and how she interacts with other, more neurotypical, people. But I know she will never be able to regain this time where she is fully accepted and loved at her school, as she is, with no qualifications, with no one telling her how she OUGHT to be. She belongs, she is loved, she is learning in her own way and on her own terms and she is turning into quite a wonderful person with a great sense of justice and equality (Yay for judicial committee).
I’m so glad you found a school that meshes well with Tori’s learning style. Good for you for identifying what she needed and finding an alternative.
I am a little on the fence about whether little kids ignoring other little kids counts as bullying. It is certainly hurtful and obnoxious – no denying that. But I think that for young elementary schoolers, guidance/correction needs to be a little gentler than with older grade schoolers. I’m not sure these little kids truly understand the effect they are having. I guess that is the trick – finding a way to teach empathy, and finding a way to convince children that kindness and compassion are far more important than, say, popularity.
Again, so glad Tori has found her niche!
Exclusion and “not talking” to someone ARE the traditional way that girls bully.
Thats great that you are talking with her about it and letting her know she doesn’t have to be a victim to somone else’s bad behaviour. My son is 7 and over here in Germany we had the Scary guy come and talk to the school, with another session for the parents. He was really great and he even had a session especially for the smaller kids. I am sure you would think he is great. He is an ex tattoo artist who looks scary, but it works in his favor. He has been two years in a row to our school. I hope he comes next year. But back to the app. Maybe I might look into getting it.
Wow. My daughter Elise just started first grade (also at a new school, thank god!) and she was being bullied a lot and having problems with kids all through kindergarten. Being that she loves my iPhone, I will definitely get this app for her and use it to help talk about bullying – which is probably as hard for the parent to talk about with their child as it is for kids to talk about it, because it is just so damn unnecessary and heartbreaking. This is seriously one of the most useful sponsored posts I’ve ever read.
I remember the shunning behavior that I experienced in elementary school. Mine was later (5th grade), and more akin to the Judy Blume book “Blubber.” First generation mean girls. I still haven’t fully let go of it, and constantly feel like I’m about to get booted from any group that accepts me.
I’m so glad that your daughter is blooming in the new school. She deserves that environment, and I hope that her tormentors (who probably didn’t even know they were being so cruel) learn to change their treatment of others.
Nice that you were able to find a new school. It’s such a difficult process dealing with school relationships. My son has just passed through a period of great angst and trouble in his life which started from similar withdrawl of friendship bullying in primary school – also perpetrated and encouraged by the mother of his best friend who I thought was a friend of mine. I guess there was some jealousy there. I’m still angry. Unfortunately he thought all the bullying was his fault and didn’t let me know until it was too late for me to act on it. Happily he’s moved thru all that shit and is focused on the future.
I’m new to your blog and enjoying it very much. Thanks for such interesting writing.
I wish I could say that it gets easier but BAH!
My sweet kid is a lovely person, kind and sincere and some of the girls she goes to school with will behave in manners that is so ugly and mean. I wish I could fight her battles for her but she always reminds me that she is so much stronger than I give her credit for.
I am going to check out this app for both of us.
Thanks for sharing.
-r
I hope that a year from now your review of the school is as glowing. Two and three years from now, as well. Right now, it is hard to give any credibility to it because it has only been a few weeks, and the beginning of every school year is a honeymoon period, especially at a new school.
I am very glad Tori is happy.
To Mrs. Bailey Park: While what you say might be technically true, I cannot imagine why you felt the need to post it on this particular thread. I found it rather jarring and unkind.
As my pastor says, expectation is invitation. Why not expect the best?