1. Don’t let your child play the game where the prize is a live goldfish.
2. If you do let your kid play the game for the live goldfish, don’t tell her how to win.
3. If she wins but doesn’t realize that the prize was a live goldfish, WALK AWAY. FAST.
4. When she does finally realize that she’s won the live goldfish, be prepared to be utterly and completely dazzled by the light in her eyes and the joy on her face.
5. If she wins a goldfish, take her home before going to the pet store.
6. If you don’t do that, don’t walk up to the sales dude in the fish department of Petsmart and say, “So, how do we manage to not kill this fish?” Because now your kid realizes the fish could die.
7. If you’ve asked the fish dude about not killing the fish, don’t even look hopefully at the $5.99 fish bowl. Because the fish dude will tell you that the reason gold fish always die is because they are in tiny fish bowls, and they need at least ten gallons of water to live it successfully.
8. Breathe a slight sigh of relief that the stupid and ugly “Princess” fish tank is only two and half gallons and costs twice as much as the ten gallon tank.
9. Accept the fact that the tank will cost $40, with a filter and lights and stuff. Also accept the pink and purple plastic plants and weird pink thingy that your daughter will want to buy along with the ten pounds of rainbow colored pebbles for the bottom.
10. Try not to pass out when it all rings out at $80. Plus the dollar donation to the local animal shelter. Plus the $5 it cost for the game in the first place.
Meet Emily, the $85 goldfish and her beautiful new home (currently filtering in preparation for her big move).