It’s taken me a while, but I finally figured out why I haven’t been posting here.
It’s because there is something so huge, something dominating my life so much, that NOT writing about it has been like a stone in my mouth, unable to share this core truth of my life in this place – my blog, the place where I share what’s bothering me, what’s making me happy, and what’s making me crazy.
And right now, something is making me crazy.
It’s this: living with my mom is really, really, REALLY hard.
Before I say too much, know that my mom reads here (not all the time, but occasionally) so I know she might read this. Which is why I’ve stayed silent. But the truth is that I cannot keep writing around this dominating issue.
Also know that I’m so grateful my mom survived last year when she was sick, and I’m so sorry that she’s still struggling so hard both physically and mentally. I know it’s been terrible for her too. I’m also grateful to have time with her, to watch her have time with Tori, and to be able to offer her our home to live in.
Really.
But that said, sometimes the lack of privacy KILLS ME.
I don’t think I fully understood the things about my life that I cherished; small things like sitting in comfortable silence with Charlie in the living room after Tori has gone to bed, working or watching TV (sometimes doing both), sometimes injecting random commentary at each other about whatever – emails, stuff we read on Facebook, what’s on the TV…
Add my mother to that equation, and the dynamic is totally off. First, she hasn’t had a television in 40 years, so she’s not used to the way the shows have changed pace (no opening theme song, no closing credits, that sort of thing – not to mention how uniform actors and actresses look these days), so she’s often frustrated with trying to follow the pace. This means instead of my normal double-duty style of TV watching (working or reading blogs while watching TV), I have to do a triple duty of pausing the shows to explain key plot points to my mom.
I wish I could say I do that gracefully. And maybe I did, initially. But it’s been a year now, and I’m afraid I get impatient. So does Charlie.
Even when we do get some silence, if I toss an offhand comment at Charlie about an far-flung friend on Facebook, my mom wants to know what I’m talking about, the whole back story of how we met that friend, and why whatever thing is happening in their lives that I felt was remarkable enough to mention out loud was happening.
I’m sorry to say, I find this EXHAUSTING. And I’m not often graceful about that either.
Charlie and I have long known that we need to spend quality time together to have a happy and peaceful relationship. In the nearly twenty years we’ve been together, we know that when we began sniping and bitching at each other all the time, it’s time to get out and spend the day together, alone.
With my mom living here, we still get plenty of date nights (finances permitting), but what we didn’t know is how much we relish our quiet time together, and our time just being in the house.
I miss it. I miss it, terribly, and not having it is hurting my marriage.
We’ve set some boundaries; my mom goes downstairs a couple nights a week (mostly because she hates shows like True Blood). I know that even though she has an easy chair down in her space, no one likes feeling like they’ve been “sent to their room.” I try hard to be understanding, but I’m failing, all the time, every day.
My irritation has grown so great (with no help at all from what is likely perimenopause), I spoke with my therapist about changing my medications and now I’m on a different antidepressant. It seems to be helping. I’m also working double and triple time to be nice to Charlie, all the time, so he doesn’t feel pressure from both me and my mom.
Charlie, by the way, is being awesome about this. AWESOME.
So is Tori.
We’ve all done some major adjusting.
But, frankly, it’s hard. And in some ways, it’s not really working out.
Worst of all, when I look ahead of us and see no end in sight to living with my mother…
It’s not good. It’s just not good.
I’m struggling, folks. I’m leaving again on another trip (this time to Utah for the Evo Conference), I am not only filled with the traditional mommy guilt but also with guilt about leaving Charlie alone to cope with my mom and with Tori. It sucks.
I’ve coped in ways that have been, well, not great. Venting on twitter. Yelling at Charlie. Yelling at my mom. Hiding in my room, and leaving Charlie and Tori alone with my mom. Accepting more invitations to local events than usual.
Sigh.
So there it is, folks. The reason I’ve been away from this blog. I’ve been terrified that I was going to blast you all with a slew of intense negativity and bile about how much I hate living with my mom. But I don’t hate it, not really. I’m just…. tired. Weary.
I’m going to write over at the Uppercase Lowdown this week about things I wish I’d known in advance about living with three generations under one roof. I’ll link over when I do it.
Thanks for listening.
{ 88 comments… read them below or add one }
Oh, Cecily, that does sound really hard — for everyone, honestly.
I am not where you are (3 generations, 1 roof). I know that even just having “just” a kid made me realize how much I need my “alone” time. I am very much an introvert (meaning I recharge by being away from people), which I think you are not (?), but … still, we all need some “alone” (or “just with hubby” or whatever) time. I was trying to describe this to friends who are fellow introverts (but not parents) and I said, “Just knowing that might call on my attention is exhausting.” And one of them who had been assisting an ailing grandmother totally got it — he said, “Yeah, it’s just knowing she might want me to make her a cup of tea. It’s draining.” That sounds like sort of where you are, too.
My DH goes out 2 nights/week to play pool, meaning that after I get DS to bed I have the house all to myself. Bliss (an issue here: DH is a tv watcher, I am not). Is there any chance your mom might find (and enjoy!) a couple of night-out activities of her own? A book group? Knitting group (I am thinking here of what my own mom enjoys and yours may for all I know be more like my DH and need a pool group, not a book group — but, regardless).
Thanks for writing about this. I think it’s the sort of issue many, many sandwich generation folks are dealing with and will be dealing with.
Excellent ideas!
I was also wondering why not get her a t.v. of her own to have in her room?
The reason a tv of her own won’t work is because it isn’t about the TV. It’s about the COMPANY. She would never turn it on if I didn’t.
Well then maybe consider this Cecily – Tori is watching and learning. How you interact with your mom today could impact how she treats you in 20 or 30 years.
THIS. Exactly this!
I love my MIL. She’s an amazing person with a huge heart. She’s at my house a few days a week to help with the kids, and she cleans our house too (NOT something I want but I gave up trying to stop her YEARS ago.) I love having her around and am so grateful she’s healthy and energetic enough to participate in our family the way she does.
BUT BUT BUT, I could NOT live with her. It would drive me insane. I know what you mean about not having the privacy and having to explain things. I lose patience with that too (though she’s a pretty hip lady, and yeah, she reads my blog RELIGIOUSLY so she knows everyone/everything I talk about.) Even though I blog openly about shit like my cervical mucous, I am actually a fairly introverted person. Having someone in my space makes me nuts. I totally feel you on this one.
We had my father in law come live with us for a “short stay” after surgery, and he stayed for months until he passed away. On the one hand, I was thrilled my husband had one on one time with his dad, on the other, it did nothing for me. Don’t get me wrong, I loved my FIL and better him than my MIL, but all of it was very hard. Even the simple things like changing buying habits at the store to accommodate his love of ice cream.
All of this is to say I understand, and there are a lot of us out there. The one thing that did help me was to find a support group through the local senior services department to talk about these things. It helped me vent them in a neutral place with people who never told me I was being mean because I wasn’t talking about how it was all unicorns and kittens. I know your situation is different, but you should also look into your local senior services place. They offered a TON of things I knew nothing about because I’m not a senior citizen including pick ups for social events or doctors appointments. As a plus, a lot of it was funded by the county or federal government so it was free. They also provided us a social worker to come by and talk to my FIL on a weekly basis so he could vent about us I presume.
Seriously, the county senior services place saved my sanity.
As a newlywed (first time!) at 44 (now almost 46) THIS i how I feel being married. no space. No quiet. No time at all as master of my domain in my own space. The only time im alone is wheni drive to and from work.
I don’t know how i can love someone and make them/be made crazy/by them.
Don’t worry, you are not alone! This is totally normal, whether it’s parents, spouse, or roommates. The only real cure is time away from each other–so take it, without guilt. Do whatever you need to do to get real alone time away from your spouse (and/or time with friends sans spouse) and treat it like your prescription for mental health!
I often times think about how it would be if/when my mom moves in with us. When we adopted Lily, my grandma moved in for 2 months and it was rough. No privacy and everything we did with Lily was under a microscope. She would even ask us to go to bed early so we weren’t tired the next day! And the conversatons were exhausting. While I loved having her with us… it was very hard! Hang in there. I’m sure your mom appreciates everything you do more than she can express.
I can’t imagine living with my parents or my inlaws. It has to be really hard. It is more and more commonplace now than ever, have you looked to other blogs for help and advice? There have to be tons of bloggers going through the same thing and sometimes just having someone say, “me too!” can do a world of good.
Three and a half years after Mama “moved in for a few months” and no end in sight. Part of me is all “Yay! She’s so much healthier and I don’t have to worry about her long-distance” and the other part…not so much. And it is hard. It is hard on the kids, it is hard on my partner, it is hard on me. I “may” daydream on a regular basis about her moving into some assisted living place and being fabulously happy. (ha-not likely to happen, ever. And then I think even if it does, I will then have to go and sit and visit which I am really rotten at doing) Sigh. I have no answers.
We had a cousin living with us, no more than a year into our marriage. Even though it was only a couple of months, it almost tore us apart. I’m sure it doesn’t compare to the stress of your long-term situation, coupled with the physical and mental challenges.
Sending lots of love your way.
Cecily,
I would have totally killed my mom if she ever moved in. We just can’t live together.
Sigh
Thinking of you. I can’t imagine that change in dynamic. Be kind to yourself.
Ugh, I feel for you. I love both my parents but couldn’t stand to have them living with me full time. My mom once stayed with us for a two-month visit–just after we got married, actually–and by the end, I couldn’t wait for her to leave. My dad and I can’t usually go much past a three-day weekend without fighting. . . . not to mention the effects on my husband and marriage.
Having grown up with my paternal grandmother living with us, I’ve experienced what you’re going through from a different perspective, the child’s. (My mother, who’s been divorced from my father for over 30 years, has often said she got along better with her than she did with my father.) I loved having my grandmother in-house.
Sounds super hard for everyone! I echo what others have said about needing headspace & time alone & time w/my partner. I sometimes get time alone, but rarely have couple time w/husband to reconnect or discuss important things. I can NOT imagine having a relative or anyone else to deal with in our tiny home. It was hard enough when my mom came to visit for a couple of weeks staying on our couch in the LR.
I think you vented gracefully here, and I liked the idea of finding a support group to vent to specific re: seniors.
wishing the best for you all.
Oh I’m so sorry. I can’t even imagine what that’s like. When I try to imagine living with my husband, kids, and one of my parents (or, even worse, one of his) I have to stop, because my head gets ready to explode.
I don’t know what to say, except I think maybe you need to try more rules for alone time. It’s totally, completely fair of you to tell your mom that you need X number of hours without her around. She’s not being sent to her room, she’s giving you, an adult with her own family, the time you deserve.
And maybe if there’s anything she needs in her space to make it nicer for her alone time, you could make that happen. I’d suggest an old TV and VCR with some 40-year-old shows. :-)
Cecily,
I’m a long-time reader and it makes me sad that you felt there was something you couldn’t share on this site after everything you HAVE shared. But I totally get it.
Also? My mom lived with my husband and I in a tiny condo for about 7 months and at first it was great! The novelty was fun. Home-cooked meals! Her crazy dog! But then… the lack of privacy thing. Our different “housekeeping” styles (she’s a slob and we’re not, but we’re also not neat freaks). It’s also hard not to slip into the mother/daughter dynamic of your youth! So, I totally understand – your frustration, your hopelessness, your weariness. I truly hope you find a solution because I know you and your mother (and your relationship with each other) will be better for it.
I get it. And I think it’s OK to talk about it. I’m sure it’s hard for your mom, too…and it will be OK if she reads this post.
My mom and dad live only 1.5 miles away, and they have been very supportive to my family. But if they were any closer — or living with us — there would be 99.99% chance of someone getting strangled. I am impressed that you are managing it at all.
That’s hard, I have zero advice (not that you asked for any) and no similar stories to tell. I just can’t imagine how hard it is. My mother comes to visit for a week or two at a time and by the end I am jumpy and I just want to wander around my house without having to interact with someone (or feel like I SHOULD be interacting with someone, even if that’s not actually her expectation.) You and Charlie are both super smart and now that you’ve identified what is the issue (the lack of space and privacy and alone head space time) I’m sure y’all can figure out a solution even if it takes a few tries.
Hugs.
You bring up a topic that I think affects all of us. I love my mom to death and she helps me so much with my children. There have been times when we have gone away together and that constant makes it hard. Hope some alone time is in your future!
Cecily, thank-you for this honest and eloquent piece.
I think that your situation is one that all of us will find ourselves in, in some form, during our lives. How hard it is to find time for ourselves (those of us who have children even more so). Adding another adult to the mix, even if it is a beloved mother or family member would be a strain at best.
Hang in there, continue to take that well-needed time for yourself and don’t feel guilty about being irritated about what is clearly a difficult living situation. Like some of the other commenters mentioned, perhaps a new hobby, activity or social group for your mother might take the pressure off somewhat. Even if that means driving her to and from the events or classes, you would at least be assured of some confirmed “alone time” during those days or nights where she’s away.
Best of luck to you.
Strength, woman. That is what I read in this message. It takes a strong person to be there for their parent and your sacrifice does not go unnoticed.
Here, here. LOVE it. “Strength, woman.” It was drew me to you and your blog, Cecily. You really own who you are. You will find a way through these struggles and everyone around you will shine.
Ack! You know I am with you on this one, girl! In fact, having another family member in your home this long puts you in saint territory at far as I am concerned, even in the very best family relationships that is a challenge. I had a fragile peace (at best) with my mom only when we stayed about 1500+ miles apart, and when she moved to our side of the country, we moved back to the other side! Anway, short of finding another living situation which prolly isn’t practical right now, I agree with some of the other comments, encouraging her to find her own activities and social life several evenings a week might help you and her too…….
I’m thinking about our room-mate, and why the situations are so different . . . this sounds more like the interactions of partners than room-mates — which, duh, is kind-of the definition of *family*, except with kids you have years of training them into your system . . . As with room-mates and kids who grow up, the way it smoothes out is when they have their own things that they are looking forward to, things that you are not involved in — hobbies, social interactions with peers, etc. So, yeah, her own TV with some shows on DVD that she would enjoy, books, a commitment to call/write/email one or two people each week, a radio with NPR . . . maybe creating a bit of ‘her own apartment’ in her room (just like teenagers! lol). And then the focus changes, it’s not so much ‘sending her to her room’ as it is her seeking her own solitude at a time when you guys are doing something incompatible . . .
I dunno, I haven’t been keeping up, so maybe you’ve thought of and discounted much of those ideas already — but I thought I’d throw it out there, just in case it could be of use.
I think it’s healthy to write about it. Getting that off your chest will, with luck, give you more room to breathe.
It sounds incredibly difficult. I know how much I love just hanging out in my house with my little family, even if we’re all doing our own things. It’s lovely just to have everyone nearby and your own special rhythm going. That would be crazy making to have to give that up.
Sorry you are struggling with this. My brother moved his wife and daughter into my parents’ house two years ago, and they keep getting kicked in the teeth by circumstances. Any way this economy could have screwed my brother over, it has. I know it’s driving both my parents and my brother’s family crazy. No one has any privacy. My other brother just graduated from college, so he’s been in the mix since May, too, but he’s made plans to rent a house nearby with friends, at least. I don’t think I’d survive having to live with my parents again, so I’m very grateful we’ve never had to miss a mortgage payment.
There are no words to magically make the situation easier for you or any member of your family, I know, but hopefully you find the strength to cope with it enough that it doesn’t make you as crazy. I hope the med change doesn’t make it too much worse before it makes it better; I know it can be rough until getting a new drug into your system.
I can totally relate, though my situation is a bit different. We have our 22-year-old godson living with us, who also happens to be a recovering heroin addict. With no job. So there’s lots and lots (too much) together time. I don’t want to make him feel bad for being here, but I do love to be alone. And I never am these days. He dies help around the house, and does occasional odd jobs for people to make money. But I totally get where you’re coming from. You want to do the right thing, but sometimes the right thing in reality really sucks.
I know what you mean. I always feel a little on stage when my relatives are here, no matter how much I love them. And when my Mom first started reading my blog and sending her comments and edits by me via email, I wasn’t really sure how to react. I felt both like I’d come out of the closet, and someone was taking a red pen to my journal entries. Even if she was right, it just pushed buttons. And I swallowed it saying she means well and wants me to be the best I can be… and then I try to smack myself really hard when I hear myself occasionally saying those sorts of things to my own kids. It’s an ugly mirror.
I think it’s like the older women I know whose husbands retire, and decide that now that they are home, the way their wife was managing the home and children for years is ALL WRONG and they can simply bring their engineering brilliance and improve EVERYTHING… these ladies often say “I married you for better or worse- not for lunch. Go find something to do outside the house.”
I’m not sure there’s an easy answer. There never is for these things other than a lot of understanding, and seeing maybe if she can find more things to do on her own, if her health is good enough. Book clubs, volunteer at the hospital- anything. The little bits of alone time and silence will help everything else go a bit better.
From a kid’s perspective, my grandma lived with us for several years growing up, and we developed a special relationship that was really important to me when I was going through those awkward teen years and trying to figure out who I was- her love felt more unconditional to me at that time when I was doing natural teen separation things with my folks, and I miss her terribly, even now.
parent kid relationships have their own dynamics that never completely go away. I hope you guys can find a little more space.
three states away is too close for my Mom. I think a few tweaks and you can make this easier for all of you. I am glad you finally came forward on your blog about this so all the people on the internet can support you as much as your friends have tried to. :)
I could NOT live with my mother. She means well and loves me and my children but she drives me batshit crazy if she’s here more than twice a week. She calls me almost everyday and even that is too much….we just talked yesterday what could you possibly have to say to me today???
I feel for you!
You’re in a really difficult situation. Be gentle with yourself.
Are there any family members that could invite her to stay with them for five or six days from time to time. Sounds like you really need time off.
I was the kid in the three-generation household for years growing up. The dynamics are so intertwined and complex that someone is always getting irritated with someone else. At least it’s not your mom getting irritated with Tori. That happened to me and my brother more often than I care to remember. All I can say is that you guys will fall into something more familiar and, therefore, more comfortable. Maybe you won’t have as much privacy as you once had. I know that was one of the things that used to bother me living in a tiny house with a parent, a sibling and grandparents. But you shoulder it one way or the other, maybe sometimes bitterly, and you get over it. A wonderful by-product of our time living with our grandparents is that I did get the chance to build a close relationship with my grandmother. We all still got annoyed with one another, don’t get me wrong, but that time was really precious, and I’m so glad that I got it before she died. Perhaps a silver lining to an otherwise stressful living situation for all involved.
Oh, Cecily, I am so sorry. I moved in with my mom and dad in 2007, after living alone for 19 years, to save money for infetility treatment, and help my mom with my dad, who has Alzheimer’s. “Hard” does not begin to describe it, loss-of-privacy-wise. I’m lucky in that my mom is not talkative, and she was okay with me reading alone in my room a lot. Then I had twins in December 2009, and my mom was a tremendous help. The kids and I moved out when they were 18 months old, because toddler behavior was making my dad very agitated. I can’t tell you how happy and relieved I was to have my own place again! We moved only about 6 blocks from my folks, and we see them almost every day, and they take my kids to daycare in the mornings. Could your mom manage in a small rental, very close by? Maybe a senior-living apartment? My grandma lived in a small low-income-seniors-only apartment for several years before she passed, and it was a very nice complex. See what’s available in your community. In the meantime, hugs and sympathy.
I am seconding the suggestion of getting your mom her own TV and DVD player. Also, would it work for you if one or two weeknights was vintage movie/vintage tv night so that you could watch something at a pace that she enjoys (many such shows/movies are available through the library)?
And also seconding finding something that will take your mom out of the house, too.
Sending hugs and kisses.
15 years and counting. That is how long we have been living in a shared house with my mil. The stories, horror and success, I could tell. I would have to start a blog! It is hard! Very hard. And this may not sound like a consolation, but after 3 years, it gets better.
Briefly, rented our house out after fil passed away. Moved in with 1 kid away in college, 1 hs senior, 1 hs junior. Aaaaaaarrrrgggghhhh! I don’t know how we survived, but that is the year I started drinking. :)
Kid #2 went to college, #3 stayed local, #1 came home, #2 visited a lot, but never really moved back perm. #1 moved out, and back home 9 mos later. Was here for a couple years, married and moved out. Phew. Meanwhile #2 moved out, had 2 babies, and moved back for 4.5 years. Economy crashed, we all lost our jobs… We all survived.
We relaunched #3 with the kids, and have been 1 month, 8 days with just the three of us.
Mil is pouting again. Aaaarggggghhhh! I quit drinking last year.
Are you freaking kidding me? Unless your mother is verbally abusive, physically abusive, or emotionally abusive, you need to get a grip. Do you think you were an easy person to raise? An easy person to live with? How about all the years that you were slamming heroin into your veins? How about the worry and stress that a parent feels when they have an addict child? I cannot even imagine treating either one of my parents the way you treat your mother. I can’t even imagine speaking about my parents the way you speak about your mother. My parents are not easy people to live with, but they are adults who have lived a life that is valid and they have thoughts, feelings, and opinions. Guess what? Your mom wants to be involved in your discussions BC SHE IS A NORMAL HUMAN THAT HEARS A DISCUSSION GOING ON IN THE HOME SHE LIVES IN AND IS INTERESTED IN YOUR LIFE.
Honestly, I know you won’t approve this bc it makes you look ungrateful and selfish. I don’t have a say bc I am not singing your praises about this correct? Well, I cannot wait for the day when Tori is literally rolling her eyes and digging her nails into her hands when she HAS to humor you when she ends up supporting you and Charlie.
Formermember: Wow, you are only posting to try to make someone feel bad. There’s only one jerk here, and I can personally attest that it is not CecilyK. Nobody will feel bad reading what a jerk writes, by the way.
Oh Bella, you changed my mind. I was wrong. Cecily publicly bitching about how the woman who had to pay for and live with Cecily for at least 17 years is absolutely acceptable. (how many years has her mom been living with her?)
This.
Formermember totally hit the nail on the head. I am sorry it must be difficult but the door swings both ways. Mothers care for children and children care for mothers. CecilyK makes herself sound very self centered and I am sure it is a very hard situation but really? Sounds like you almost wish your Mom was no longer living since that would be the only way you would not have to deal with living with her.
I’m a few weeks away from moving in with my father and holy hell am I dreading it. Last night I was sitting at my kitchen table alone — into the wee hours — thinking: this is one of the last times I’ll be able to do this for the foreseeable future. And the family moments won’t seem like the moments they used to be. Not with someone asking a bazillion questions or huffing and puffing their way through the living room or treating me like I’m 14.
Now that I got that whine out like I AM 14, I feel for you. This just all around sucks and then you have the guilt of it all for saying it sucks while still having the love and the complexity. I’m happy that you could finally write about this hear. And maybe you can ask your mom to not read here. It’s just too much: living together and then not even having this space.
*big hugs*
Please ignore formermember. Everybody is entitled to some free time, no matter their situation. Saying that you want some time to yourself does not in any way mean that you don’t love her or appreciate her.
Was it ok for Cecily’s mom to bitch about how much of drag it was to be a mom? Why is it ok for us to do once we are adults? It’s such bullshit. When or if the people on this page may have to possibly live with their kids, I super hope they have been stellar parents bc if not, this blog post will be about them 20 years in the future.
Of course it was OK for Cecily’s mom to bitch about how much of a drag it was to be a mom! Hell, some writers make a living out of that kind of venting. It would also be OK for her to bitch now about how much of a drag it is for her to be living with her adult daughter. There are two sides to this story and I’m sure they are both right, because there is something sucky in this for everyone involved. It’s just an unfortunate situation.
Every parent, I suspect, has that moment when their kid does something shitty and they realize “Oh, so THAT’S how my mom felt when I did that to her. Huh. I get it now.” Tori will have hers eventually, and my kids will have theirs. It’s not about being a stellar parent so that your kids can’t criticize you. It’s about doing your best, but often not being able to fully appreciate some things until you go through them.
Cecily, I still sympathize with you 100%, and I hope you can find a way to make it more comfortable for the four of you. I’m just blown away by the people who think that you’ll get your comeuppance once Tori grows up. If anything, I think the way that you write all of this out and analyze it will probably make you much more self-aware of you relationship with Tori, and help you navigate these kinds of situations better.
Everyone lives with us…it’s a thing…including a few mentally ill relatives, which you think your mom is hard, try having Kim Jong Il’s doppleganger in your house. We’re on the five month mark. Next relative is due to move in soon.
What we have done is set up the basement with a lovely guest suite, living area and TV. The rule is everyone gets alone time after our kid goes to bed.
So whoever is living with us at the moment, goes downstairs. Living with us does not mean spending every second together and I’ve been very clear that hubby and I expect to be alone in the evenings.
What about setting up a private TV room for either you and Charlie and/or your mom?
I understand! 100%. It is so hard. Maybe have your mom write a letter about what’s driving her nuts. Then post it??? I dunno, it may help you both. Just a thought.
I would love to read her side of the story!
I don’t know your mother’s health or financial status. Is it possible she could live in assisted living? It is obvious that she craves human companionship and wants to be where you guys are, but as you have stated, this does not allow for couple time, an essential. I would look for all alternatives available, taking into consideration that her needs are met. Does she have friends or other family members she could spend a night or two with so you all could have some respite? I don’t know how large the basement is, but could you and Charlie make that your space for sleeping with a sitting room? I have commented before on this topic and I know first hand how multi-generational living can eat everyone’s lunch. I know the most important thing you can do is keep your marriage intact as having an ally is key. Best of luck to you and yours.
My mom moved in with me for a few months when I was 26 and that was INCREDIBLY tough. On the one hand I felt obligated to say yes because after all, she did raise me as a single parent. But the reasons for her moving in, and the fact that she would get an attitude with me and not speak to me for weeks on end in MY apartment, made it really really tough. I cannot live with my mom. She asked again to live with me when I was living with my then-boyfriend and I had to say no. I was willing to help her out financially but I knew her moving in was just a terrible idea.
I feel your pain. All the things you mention are things I feel when we just have VISITORS, but I’ve learned to be gracious about them because they are, after all, temporary. You, on the other hand, have been dealing with this long-term, and I respect all the emotions you have. I think some of the suggestions I’ve read – getting Mom her own TV, for instance – may help. And some of the things you are doing, although they may feel like escape routes, they’re good for you, because you DO need the breaks. If she is going to continue to live with you guys, maybe she also needs to get active socially, if possible, so that you guys are not her only source of conversation and entertainment.
I wish there were some immediate pat answers for you, but just know that many of us empathize with you and hope that things will improve for you. Needing and liking your own space and/or family dynamic as it was does not mean you don’t love your mom, although those feelings (and negative comments) can make you feel guilty. Don’t. Try your best to handle it gracefully and when you can’t, exit stage left for a while. Which sounds like what you’ve been trying your damndest to do. It won’t always work, and that doesn’t make you a bad person. Hang in there, Cecily.
I get the “going silent” thing. And self-editing. And the frustration of feeling like this is why you started a blog in the first place and somehow it’s now become a bit of a trap. So good for you for choosing to write–I think it’s pretty damn cathartic, don’t you.
You didn’t say if there were alternatives to having your mom there. It sounds like, for everyone’s sanity it might be something to seriously think about. (Which I’m sure you have.)
Refresh your spirit at Evo, I’m devastated that I can’t go. I miss you guys, the great energy and I think you’ll come back with a fresh perspective and renewed energy. Plus the meds will have a few more days to kick in. Always a good thing.
Good luck!
Luckily my mom is a fan of things like going to the local rec center and playing bingo, so if we end up in this situation I think we *might* survive. Even though my mom is pretty good about stuff like that and we are super compatible with TV and our nighttime routines I do know it would be hard…and definitely hard on the marriage, even if it was totally fine between me and my mom, you know?
my mother pays me not to live with her. i’m not exactly kidding. she helps me with the expenses i cannot pay, like health insurance, to keep me in my own home and not in hers. it’s a decent arrangement.
I’ve done it, had my mom move in with me and a boyfriend. That worked so well that she disappeared in the middle of the night and I didn’t see her for eight years until last week. *sigh*
I would never do it again unless she’s bed-ridden and has nursing care. I’m serious. There’s helping someone, and then there’s crazy-making.
Can you and Charlie watch TV in bed? My husband and I usually get on our laptops, together, when we’re in bed before sleep, and we do the same thing, throw out comments and so on.
Would that help?
Sorry this is a tough time.
Hugs,
Jules
That’s my suggestion too – if you and Charlie can watch tv in bed, that might be a small help to diffuse things a little.
I’m sorry you’re having a hard time. My family all lives close by and that can be hard enough, but I can only imagine having someone living with us full time.
Hope things get better sooner than later.
I’m so sorry. Sounds super stressful, Cec. I’m an uber private person and so is Guy. The thought of having a “permanent house guest” scares the living shit out of us. You, and others I know like you, are amazing for opening up your home like that, seriously, I couldn’t do it.
I have to laugh a bit because what you describe sounds exactly what it is like to live with my 8 year old daughters. If we are driving in the car, and the kids are in the back totally ignoring us, and my husband and I start to have a conversation, everything stops in the back of the car, and we have to explain every single thing we are talking about. A two minute conversation turns into a 15 minute explanation. Who, why, where, how. No matter how innocuous. It drives us batty. And watching television? I sometimes have to yell at the kids (nicely, of course) to STOP ASKING QUESTIONS so we can actually hear what is being said so that I can answer their questions.
It would be much harder with an adult, who should maybe know better, but with an adult, you should be able to talk it out calmly, and explain what makes you crazy, and find out what makes her crazy (because I’m sure she has a list too). I think if she could have her own friends, and her own social life, it would help a lot. And have your own televisions in your respective rooms, so you can retreat, and watch what you like, in private.
All I can offer is my sympathy… Thank you for your honesty.
Cecily, as you can see, so many of us can relate! My mother is long gone, sadly … but because she ALWAYS knew best (you just had to ask her, she’d tell you!) I can’t imagine what living with her as an adult would have been like. Eek.
My only possibly useful comment would be: Is your mom well enough now to get out some evenings on her own? (Maybe if you helped her get there?) Could she join a book club, go to the senior center (there’s a million things to do at many senior centers), do water aerobics, do … well, just about anything outside your house to give both her and you a break from each other’s nonstop togetherness? Absence really does make the heart grow fonder! And I bet she’d be happier too if she had some outside interests.
This is a hard situation. My mom and I were best friends- very, very close- until I moved back in as an adult. Then, we were two alpha female snarky harpies trapped in one small cage. It got ugly.
I wasn’t caring for her then, but the dynamic is so challenging. No advice, and I doubt you’re seeking anything but a much-deserved vent. But, I throw in my support and loving mojo. You’re an intriguing and lovely woman and I’m glad to have you & your words. Blogga hugs!
Hey girl,
Having just been married and hit a bit of a financial rough spot, my husband and I spent a month living at home with my parents. It was hell! However grateful I was to my parents for letting us crash with them for a while, it was almost unbearable for both my husband and I to deal with. The only way we got past it was telling my parents (mostly my mother) to back off a bit, and give us our space. I let her know how much I loved her and appreciated their help, but that she was acting honestly, a little too much like my mother. She was a little upset, but understood, and the last week of us staying there was a bit easier. Maybe talking to your mom about how you are feeling may help.
I am so sorry, my husband and I are currently living with my great aunt while we wait to move into a new house. She is wonderful and has always been very good to me but but it has been a difficult time. I am lucky because it is only temporary, I wish you luck and peace.
Maybe this will make you laugh, I now, at 42 years of age, have a curfew of midnight while living with my aunt!
I just lost my dad a year ago suddenly now that he’s gone I’d give anything up to have him live with us and enjoy his final years with loving family by his side. I have so much guilt that i didn’t force him to come live with us a few years back :(
You may find my points a tad harsh, they aren’t meant to be but i find venting although therapeutic may not be the best way to solve the issue. Create a family plan with a few of the following points:
1. from the hours of 8-10 on Mon-Tues the family is to spend “alone time” in any manner they see fit
2. your mom gets a TV and a DVR etc. she can watch movies, etc
3. you and charlie work at home which seems to be another issue as your spending 24 hours with her, why not take her out to the rec center, swimming or bingo etc so she can open up her opportunities for friends etc.
4. have a date night at chapters or indigo, sit read a book, drink a coffe
5. Engage your mom in something SHE likes to do, sounds like you guys dn’t do alot but watch TV and surf, find an activity you can both enjoy, walking? going to a movie etc?
6 plan a night in with the family and pay for a movie or a night out for your mom
7. Enlist a nurse/helper/careworker to take her out a few hours a day
There are soooo many opportunities for YOU to make this work, you just need to think vs. get emotional and all drama about this. You are your mother’s caretaker, she raised you alone and obviously its now your turn.
Treat her with respect, dignity and love, it will be returned and just understand her point of view on your home and how you live within it together.
Good luck
Those are brilliant ideas Kellie!
Oh dear, there is no need to become moralistic about this, I’m a pragmatist. The longer you wait with talking directly to her the more tension will arise. It seems to me that you have already missed the right time to talk it out with her.
Didn’t you mention that she’s a university teacher? She is an intellectual and able to cope with an open talk. If someone needs more privacy, daughter or not, it has to be organised!
I grew up in a house with three generations, mom and we children lived upstairs, my grandparents lived downstairs. And we did not spend all our time in their living rooom downstairs together, only for meals and sometimes for watching a film together, and then we went upstairs again. My grandmother never came upstairs, not only because of her knees, because she respected our privacy.
If your house does not allow a bit more distance, and if one of you is not able to withdraw naturally, you either need another house or you have to think about a separation.
I grew up in a household where my grandmother (my dad’s mom) lived with us starting when I was 9. I LOVED having my grandmother there. My mom HATED it. I grew up resenting my mom because of it, and still do to this day. She made it pretty plain how she felt about that arrangement. As a child I felt so loved by my grandmother, she was always baking something, she was a seamstress so she would help me make these stellar doll clothes and would also make clothes for me: my prom dresses, my zebra-striped spandex outfits when I started playing in bands in the 80s. She was the coolest. My mom on the other hand was very self-involved and I never felt much love from her or that she much cared about my life . . . I was certainly blessed to have my grandmother there. I miss my grandmother with a terrible ache, especially now that I have daughters and my own mom has zero interest in them, is only interested in what they can do for her . . . it makes me so very sad that they will never have the grandmother experience that I had. My point? Maybe look at it as a good thing, a wonderful thing, for Tori and try to adjust your outlook to a more positive one. The best challenges in life are difficult, no?
Oh. Oh oh oh. At least we know where you have been…..ok – assvice warning: move? The only people I know who are able to do the multiple generation thing well have separate living space – ie 2 tv/lounge/family rooms. And even then it can be tricky. More assvice coming – does your mom ever go out in the evenings? Book club? Lecture? Coffee house? Finally – you must read this article from the nytimes about perimenopause – seriously. Puts the days/weeks/months that I feel like I am losing my mind into perspective. Also tried estrogen for a while – http://www.nytimes.com/2010/04/18/magazine/18estrogen-t.html?_r=1 (or google my times estrogen dilemma)
Take care. Seriously.
Oh Cecily,
hugs to you, girl…my mom doesn’t live with us, but i know we grate on each other when we’re together for just a few days for lots of the same reasons. We’re also both super sensitive which works against us.
I’m glad you have Charlie and Tori and tuck away the guilt for a bit if you can…
Thinking of you and sending you love & light.
When you first started talking about living with your mom I really worried for you because I can relate all too well. My mom lived with my husband, children, and I for eight years. (We co-owned our home.) I had the best of intentions going into the situation and it went so, so horribly wrong. For me, it was a matter of my mom being able to push my buttons better than any person on the planet, even though she was very respectful of my space. I also have a fairly low-key husband (which is normally great), but it eventually turned into a situation where I felt like I was married to my mom and that my husband was one of my children. It was bad. REALLY bad. Bad for me, bad for my mom, and bad for my marriage. It got to the point where I borderline hated my mother and I was behaving like a nasty, awful person most of the time. After crying to a therapist for months I eventually told my mom that we couldn’t live together. My husband and I bought her out–which my mom still calls “the eviction.” I feel that it was the only thing I could do to salvage our relationship. I do think that things are better now, even though she’s still hurt by it. I really think the number three is hard. We had three adults trying to run a household and it just didn’t work for us. To be fair though, my mom and I don’t always know how to communicate well, so that created all sorts of trouble that perhaps could have been avoided. I wish you and your mother luck. I hope that you can figure out how to work through the situation together.
One more thing…I should mention that I think my children benefited tremendously from having their grandmother so fully in their lives for so long. Their relationship is strong and beautiful. On the other hand…my children did not get the best me for many years as a result of the strain. So it’s a mixed bag.
Maybe you could discuss eith your mom the nerd for one on one time with Charlie at night
She could go downstairs tv read anything
But that you two need your tv private time to talk
She should understand if she wants you to stay married
Melissa
Try living with your grandparents. Not them staying with me. I live in their house. I feel your pain. It sucks. It really does suck.
What you are doing is SUPER HARD. also loving on everyone’s part. AND SUPER HARD for everyone. Your Mom needs a buddy to spend LOTS of time with. So she isn’t so alone with just you 3 for socialization. I do not know enough about the financial situation, other family members, options that are close by, any of it. But it is healthy to say the truth: SUPER HARD (then ignore the self-righteous trolls that are not walking in your or her shoes.) Makes it easier for the rest of the world to tell the truth when one person does it. I remember dealing my last parent…. 1 – 2 hours, she was a lovely wonderful woman who I adored, and I needed a nap for 3 hours, because it was that wearing. SO keep on telling the truth and let her tell hers too. Help her find a buddy to see, do things with, and chat on the phone with……..and keep secrets from you with too!
Hugs to you all.
First, let me say that I’ve actually wondered how there could have possibly been 100% peace all the time, which there appeared to be. I guess I have learned a lesson. People who appear to be transparent can still hide really important things when they need to.
Second, have you considered taking up a collection here on your blog to buy your mom her own TV and tivo? :) She might be happier with her own TV watching reruns of old shows or something. I haven’t had a TV in 40 years either, and I can’t actually understand them anymore.
Oh, and we moved. We still have the old place until the end of the month also, though. I would love to come see you again! We will be up at the end of July to see friends and have a dental visit.
Donna
My Nana lived with us for many years when I was young, and as wonderful as it was for me and the other 4 kids, I could tell, even at an early age, that it was a struggle for my parents. I think you’re doing such a courageous and wonderful thing, and think you will be glad you did this. Sometimes things are hard and that makes them all the more valuable. That said, perhaps there are other ways for you to get some relief – I don’t know how mobile your mom is but could she go somewhere so you’d have some time at home alone? Or do you have siblings who could help? My hat is off to you; hope you feel better for letting everyone know what happening. Take care.
I read this twice, on two different days, to try and understand. And you know, I think you’re being the asshole here, sorry. It’s not *truly* kind to invite someone to move in with you if you don’t do it graciously. And you’re not.
My grandfather lived with us after my grandmother died, and yes, it was difficult. For all. But we loved each other, so we pushed and pushed to find solutions each time conflicts popped up, one of them being the tv. You’re a WRITER. Why haven’t you written out the main backstories for the tv shows you watch the most for your mom to refer back to over and over as she watches so she can review as needed?
Why haven’t you written out a list of your most commonly-discussed friends along with their main characteristics for your mom to refer back to when she hears names come up? Honestly, your anger at her does not match her “infractions.” I’m glad you got your medication tweaked because it sounds like the problem is you, not her. You are being so self-centered about this that it’s mind-blowing. You have all these mood issues, yet it doesn’t seem to have occurred to you that your mom might be depressed? Insecure about her abilities enough to make new friends, take on physical activities? Come ON! You are smart enough to be able to think about it from her side.
Even the other week when you wrote about her making comments about your daughter, it threw me. I mean, it seems like you want her to stay down in her basement at all times and if she wants to be around any of you, she is NOT to comment on ANYTHING she sees going on. WTF is that? How reasonable do you honestly think that is? If you came to live with my family, and we talked about how Melissa’s looking a little better you truly think you wouldn’t want to ask what was wrong with her? If we mentioned Jason got a job you wouldn’t be tempted to ask what he did or how long he was out of work?
I know you work from home, but imagine you don’t. Imagine your house is an office. You are office manager along with your husband. Tori is an employee (who’s sometimes on probation). Your mom is a new employee. YOU are responsible for training her at the office (house), and you will be evaluated on your training.
My grandpa loved nothing more than to watch old westerns while I just wanted to watch MTV. So I learned to read a magazine while he watched the westerns so we’d still be in the same room, and he learned to wait for commercials to ask why everyone hated Puck so much. I wrote out a family tree of my friends that we constantly tweaked as girls got in fights. When Stacey called and he answered the phone he could say, “I was glad to hear you’ve gotten back together with Jordan, he really seems like a nice boy.” WORK AT IT. This is somebody you love!
I think most of what you’ve described are boundary issues. The nights that your mum spends downstairs are a good boundary, although it is just fine not to link it to True Blood or whatever, but rather to your need for space, which is legitimate. If it’s not nice downstairs, maybe there’s a way to fix up space for her, or use your bedroom differently. There is no rule that extended family living together have to be together all the time.
It’s also okay to say “mum, I’m not going to explain the shows to you tonight.” It is, granted, hard if you and Charlie are talking and she wants to join in and can’t. There’s a balance in there somewhere. You could also point her to Television Without Pity.
That said I think there are other positive ways to address the issues. Where are her friends in this? What activities does she participate in? How does she meet her needs to socialize, etc., apart from the three of you? Hooking her up to some other supports (and you too as a caregiver, if you are taking on that role) will help everyone. Does she belong to a church? That might be a place to start for a women’s league or something.
Also some of her confusion may be left over from the oxygen deprivation. You might have read that my dad had a major brain injury last year, and he is different, and it is both annoying and hard sometimes (although we are also really grateful to have him around at all). She might benefit from some follow-up with an occupational therapist or a family doctor to help her develop strategies for things like following TV shows, if that’s important to her. (And if it’s not, then she shouldn’t be asking about them.) Most seniors I know are more than capable of following Mad Men so I kind of suspect you’re dealing with something a bit more complicated here, and it might be better to deal with it head-on. If she’s sort of dimly confused, that might explain what comes across in your post as being a bit needy and somewhat passive on her part.
I think the important thing is to address it in a spirit of family. Not “you are ruining my life” but “how can we make this work better for everyone involved?” It might be an idea to get a few family counselling sessions, just to have a neutral party who’s worked through these things before there to help set up agreements.
Oh Cecily!
I love my family dearly but totally get what you are writing about. Growing up we were so close that at times I didn’t know where they ended and where I began! It was like I couldn’t have anything without them all being a part of it.
Sigh!
As I’ve gotten older I’ve come to realize that is just how my family is. It sucks at times but it is what it is. But I can control how often I see them, allow them to “take over” and I have found a delicate balance.
Hope you can find something that works for you.
-r
I know it’s hard. My MIL lived with us for six months after our triplets were born. It’s not the same, she is young and healthy and saved our asses, but I do understand about sharing your space and the loss of privacy. Things I learned the hard way (thank heavens my MIL is a saint and still loves me):
Shared space is for sharing. If you want privacy, you go to your room. Only a tyranical asshole takes control of the living room and sends everyone else to their rooms.
As the person who pays all the bills, you have all the power: use it thoughtfully. Initially I fought my MIL on every single little thing; how she cleaned, what she cooked. I just could not give up control. And then I saw how miserable she was and that I was responsible for that. She left her life, her home, her friends to come and help us and I was being a total bitch to her. I’m not sure when or how it happened, but I realized that I was the problem. I invited her into my home but didn’t let it become “our” home. Once I submitted to that realization I was able to let some stuff go.
Watching TV is a terrible family activity. My husband and I liked to sit in front the TV to wind down at the end of theday. My MIL (who didn’t speak English that well) is very outgoing and was dying to talk to someone, i.e. my husband, which totally ruined our R&R time. Once we realized how lonely she was, my husband would sit with her and talk for an hour or so and then go to bed himself. I took the iPad into the bedroom and watched something on NetFlix by myself. We turned the TV off and had dinner and conversation instead (we were also a little busy with babies :)
Private time is a luxury. My MIL started her marriage living in a one bedroom apartment with her MIL who was totally against the marriage. She knew how hard it was, she was thoughtful and considerate of our privacy and there still wasn’t enough. That’s life in a shared household. We started having mini dates, meeting for lunch in the middle of the day or coming home an hour later after work and going out for an appetizer before. We tried to remember that she would leave one day and we would miss her.
Your kids are watching. My mom grew up with her grandmother living with them. Everyone resented her presence and to this day my mom is terrified that we (her kids) will resent and neglect her when she is old and infirm. I have to set an example for my kids: I didn’t resent them and their needs when they were infants, how could I do anything different for their grandparents?
Choice & responsibility. I made the choice to invite my MIL into my home, to accept her help. Hand in hand with that choice was the responsibility recognize that my MIL had less power and opportunity and to protect her, just like I did my own kids.
But it wasn’t easy.
Hang in there,
Elise
I know exactly what you are feeling. My mother came to live with my family when her health slowly started to deteriorate. My mom was really strong and to see her so weak was very hard for us. Her weakness was not related to sickness but to giving up on life. I remember how strained my marriage was during that time. It was hard. Really hard.
But you are such a strong, powerful woman! You are setting a marvelous example for Tori and Charlie by showing them how BIG your heart is Cecily! Being awesome is not always easy. Love and family are not always easy. But for you, it is doable.
One of the things that worked really well for our family was boundaries. It looks like you have a few set up. I would encourage you to build more into your daily routine. Maybe start Private Hours. During that time, everyone has personal private time to use how they want to use it- ALONE.
One final thing I will share. When my boys were 7 and 9 years old, they came home from school and found my mother lifeless on the floor in the laundry room. I will never forget the call from my 9 year old telling me that he thought Nana was dead. My world changed that day. All of those feelings of irritation and weariness were replaced with a deep sense of loss. I have no regrets about the relationship my mother and I had while she was living. But I do regret not having her here to share my life with.
I literally cannot wait for this blog post to be written by Tori. It’s absolute bullshit when adult children get pissed that they now have to give back to their parents. Seriously. I cannot wait. We all know it will be documented also bc all the “name” bloggers children are going to be followed like no other kids. It’s going to be awesome.
P.S. All these people who are saying, “I totally get it” are going to love the blog posts about them by their kids. :)
I adore my mom, too, and life has gotten harder in the past year. I’ve had to fly down to Atlanta four times due to major surgeries and complications. I have to figure out our next steps, but her moving in with us is not an option. Our house is too small and she doesn’t want to impose or live with us. We will have to find a happy medium. As hard as this is for you, I hope that you can find a happy medium. Life is short, she won’t be here forever, and I want you to enjoy these moments. Do what you can to find them again.
Cec,
It does take incredible strength to do what you are doing. You have been through so much in your life, and through so many things that have tested your mettle, and you have come through victorious. Shit sucks. You are a good daughter, a good mother, a good friend, a good wife. But sometimes, things get stuck in stupid when we don’t talk about them. When I left Philly in January and moved in with my mother for 7 months, it was HORRIBLE.
I love my mother. I do.
But we have some seriously uncomfortable history that was brought VERY much to the forefront when I was living with her. Things I thought I worked through. But, very clearly did not. My space was not my own. She started correcting Angelica in a way that was triggering me, because it was the SAME exact dysfunctional and traumatizing dynamic from my childhood. I hid in my room for the last 3 months I was there.
So, that said. I will repeat, I love my mother. But I did not live with her for 14 years, and it was bad news when I moved in with her (different dynamic than her moving in with you, but still a serious adjustment).
You are doing well. Just keep talking about it. Because like you said (and you obviously are quite aware of it), when you don’t talk, it just starts to vomit all over the other people in your house, not just your mom. So bravo, Cec. Keep talking. You are seeking reinforcement from the universe just by throwing this out there. You rock. :)
What a tough situation! There are so many people that I love, that I would not love living with. You’re so self-aware that you’re able to “check yourself” and not let your emotions create an even worse situation. Kudos to you! I go home for a long weekend with my parents sometimes, and just like you, the SILENCE is the thing I miss the most. I totally get it.