Today was when Nicholas and Zachary were due to be born. They would be seven years old.
For me, rather than a brutal day of mourning, today marks the easing of the sadness. Because they were twins, because I was older and high risk, it’s incredibly unlikely that I would have lasted for the forty full weeks of pregnancy. It’s likely they would have actually been born earlier, sometime in late January to mid February.
My grief is less active on this anniversary (unlike the anniversary of their deaths). Instead, starting in February, I just find myself more irritable and angry than usual. I’m less tolerant, I get more stressed, and everything just feels closer to the bone than usual. It always takes me a week or two to remember why.
It’s harder and harder for me to imagine them. My image of them stops around two or three years old. The one image I have in my head is this: two little boys bent down in the grass studying something while I watch from a short distance away. I can see the back of their heads with the sun shining on their hair, their little butts squatting down so much they brush the grass.
Sometimes when I look at Tori I can picture their faces. But not often. It’s hard to imagine their faces. This makes me incredibly sad.
I miss them, still, all these years later.
Nicholas and Zachary, you were loved, and you are missed.
{ 46 comments… read them below or add one }
Sending you so much love. Today and always. ((hugs))
And now I’m crying at work….
Ours (don’t know boy or girl) would have been 3 on 2/10 BUT if everything had gone as planned then I wouldn’t have my Kelly girl who was 8 months later. She’s infuriating, bossy, funny, snuggly and, with her brother, is the love of my life.
Hoping your day is a good one….
Wow. I saw you around the edges of BlissDom this weekend but didn’t actually “meet” you, I don’t think. Just wanted to say this is powerful, and brave, and I’m sending love and peace over the interwebz today.
Sending love. Lots of love to you all.
Wondering what could have been is possibly the worst part. I look at my son now and wonder what his older brother would’ve been like. Best of luck dealing with today <3
I’m so sorry you had a loss like that. My thoughts are with you.
I wonder if the hurt ever heals or if it just numbs around the edges …
Like a aged photo that blurs with time …
Hugs to you …
Hugs and healing thoughts….
Sending healing vibes your way. <3
Lovely image to hold in your heart, to balance just a little of the pain. Thinking of you today, Cecily.
I’m so sorry, Cecily! I know what you mean about wondering. I’ll always wonder about that first baby we lost too.
today is not a great day for me either. it’s such a horrible day of life and loss. thinking of you and sending many hugs.
Beautifully written. I am sorry you are sad. Time does not heal all wounds. I wish you peace. Hugs to you and Charlie my friend.
sorry for all those emotions, but I like that you have “images” of them to replace stolen memories
Warm, positive thoughts coming your way today.
*sigh*
Thoughts of the best kind…
coming right atcha.
So much love to you from this internet stranger. Every time I fly into Philly for a layover, I look down and wonder if I might be flying right over your house, and it makes me smile. I wish you well, and thank you for your words.
Love to you, Cecily. The honesty with which you write about them and your advocacy for women who may find themselves in similar positions honors their memories beautifully.
THIS
Thinking of you Cecily. Sending love and hugs. xo
Funny thing, I can see that image in my mind, now, too. My, they are beautiful. My thoughts are with you today.
hugs. and prayers for you.
Love to you, C.
xo, Cec
I can see them now. You painted the picture well. Do you think that you’ll see them again? I think you will. Well, at least I hope that you will. I try to believe the best out of the unknown. Love you.
thinking of you & Charlie.
XOXOXOXO
my whole heart goes out to you.
My comment didn’t seem to show up. The Internet does not like me today!
All I want to say is I love you.
xoxoxo
I’m terribly sorry you never got to meet them. I cried as I read this… Remembering my own visions, mourning yours… xo Kristen
My hear breaks for you and what images of what could have been.
A beautiful image to hold in your heart on this day.
I am sending virtual hugs and good thoughts your way. I can see the image your words created of your very loved little boys.
<>
Erg. Let’s try this again.
(hug)
Made me cry. Sigh. Holding you and the boys in my heart tonight. ***hugs***
“Instead, starting in February, I just find myself more irritable and angry than usual. I’m less tolerant, I get more stressed, and everything just feels closer to the bone than usual. It always takes me a week or two to remember why.”
Wow. You hit the nail on the head perfectly. This is exactly how it is for me. My son would have been 8 on 2/17. Thinking of you today, Cecily.
*hugs*
Hugs.
Thinking of you, and Nicholas and Zachary today.
A good friend of mine named her son Zachary, and every time I see him I think of you and your twins. Beautiful names for your beautiful boys. I just wished they could have stayed with you.
Sending love to you and all the people who have commented that they too have suffered the horrific loss of a child. Wishing you all peace.
Thank you for writing this Cecily… Very beautiful. Touched my soul and brought to mind my little one who would have been nearly 4 right now… It’s nice to think of her sometimes, even though it hurts. So thank you. :’)
Thinking of you and the boys today Cecily.
I found that every year got easier and easier, but this year my boy would have been 10 years old and for some reason I have been having more triggers of sadness from that. Hard to explain – a mother’s heart is always so tender.
Oh, Cecily.
Holding you and your boys, and Tori and Charlie, in my heart.
I love you.
I remember them with you…