“Mommy!” Tori said to me the other day. “I SAID, thank you.” For a full minute I couldn’t fathom, for the life of me, why she was looking at me like I was an idiot. I realized, eventually, that Tori was waiting for me to say, “You’re welcome.”
I’d forgotten the proper response.
I had an appointment with my therapist today and we talked about a bunch of stuff including the stress of becoming a three generation household, marriage, and juggling multiple work commitments all the time. Then I finally took a deep breath and said, “I want to talk about desire.” As in, I don’t have much.
We first talked about my meds and whether or not they impact sex drive (and I’m on such a low dose of an SSRI that it’s not likely), and how long it’s been going on (started in the infertility mess about eight years ago now), and how incredibly fucking frustrating it is in a marriage when one partner has gone cold.
My therapist, being the ex-hippie sweet nurse practicioner that she is, said, “What about cuddling?” It was hard for me not to roll my eyes, because, sure, cuddling is awesome but I want some of the slick, heart pounding crazy shit that Charlie and I used to get into back in the day, before we were old and tired and chronically stressed and under rested. Before we became more of a pit crew than lovers, back when the neighbors used to give us shit about the noise we’d make on a Wednesday afternoon. The kind of hot mess I find myself longing for now that going to the gym has reminded me that I have a body to live in.
But my therapist did make me realize that in many ways, Charlie and I have become room mates rather than romantics, that we don’t take the time to have little moments like we used to, dancing in the kitchen or being inappropriate in the grocery store, or even really holding hands while we walk together, or hell, even taking the time to walk together like we used to do in the woods, all the time. At night we share our bed, each on our side, feet rarely crossing the line between us to tuck toes under knees to keep them warm. The ends of the days feel like the time after a battle has been fought, when there’s nothing to do but hunker down, him with his poetry and me with my vampire fiction, each of us alone together.
When I came home and talked to Charlie about it, he agreed with me to work on it, and then he said this: “I want more kindness.”
Oof. He’s right; I’m bossy, I’m good at barking orders and am quick with a nasty comment or judgment, and constantly arguing about his world view – you know, wasting time on shit I can’t change, and being an asshole in the process.
And this all brought me back to Tori waiting, not so patiently, for me to finish the moment of ordinary kindness that being polite brings, to say you’re welcome when she says thank you. We need to bring kindness back into this house, to give the four of us living in this small space that gift, regardless of how much there is to do and how fucking exhausting it can all be. The cracks of bringing all my family under one roof are showing, tempers are running short, and it’s time to begin to smooth the way to peace with tiny, simple words of kindness and love. You’re welcome.
{ 76 comments… read them below or add one }
You and I are at the same place with everything you said in this post. We are working through it all too. It’s tough to go through all the stress that you (and we) have been through and not have lost something. The key is to keep working on getting it back. You’ll get there eventually.
I hope so. It’s a challenge, though!
It’s easy to forget sometimes about kindness and about sex. Recognizing it is a good start.
It’s funny how they are connected, right?
got get your groove woman. There is room for hotness and parenting while living there generations under one roof…
I hope so.
I love this post. I’ve certainly experienced the same thing in my marriage. I have, however, discovered that kindness leads to more desire. And sex then leads to more kindness. But on those days when you’re just so darn tired and exhausted from dealing with the kids, work, bills and all of the toxic people who try to bring us down….on those days it can be so hard to remember to be kind to your partner. And sometimes that’s ok. I think, when we love someone, we can relax a bit more…be a bit grumpy sometimes. And we know they’ll love us the next day when we’re no longer grumpy. It would be exhausting to constantly have to be sweet and happy all of the time.
I hear you. I think for us grumpiness has become habit.
Hey, so I’m not alone? Awesome.
Nope. :)
YES. Kindness matters. We all need to remember that.
:)
Indeed. :)
Resonates.
*sigh*
Sucks, right?
Thank you for writing this. I’m pretty sure my husband would ask for more kindness, too, but it’s just exhausting, all the constant asking if he can do more. To way overstate the obvious, marriage is effing hard. I wish there were more blog posts like this.
Yes, it really can be.
Cecily – You have no idea how much your words, thoughts ,& experiences help, encourage, & inspire me. Thank You!
Thanks, sweetie.
Wow! You nailed it. I’ve been dealing with some of the same stuff. Barking and badgering. Where is the love? I’ll remember this today. Slow down and show some kindness. Thank you.
It’s tough to remember.
My Grandfather used to say to give your family the same politeness and benefit of the doubt you would to strangers!
Yep. So hard to do!
A great lesson, and comforting to know so many married couples struggle with The Rut. Continue your great writing and encouragement to all :)
The rut is tough!
This made me cry. So much truth.
So sorry! :(
I think we all go through this, I went through this last year with my partner of 16 years. It takes kindness and intent to turn the boat around, it’s those moments when you are thinking once the kid is in bed I will read but instead you make the choice to sit down and cuddle. Yeah cuddling sounds cheesy but I see it as the gateway to the sweaty hot stuff, as someone who is on the go always I know if I sit down and give 30 mins to cuddling, chances are, my on switch will turn on. It’s kind to ourselves when we take care of ourselves and loved ones.
You should look up Michael Chase aka The Kindness Guy, he is based here in Maine and does this amazing work around being kind.
I’ll have to look for him! Thanks!
OMG I could have written this!!
Sorry to hear that. :)
I was going to write something sweet and supportive and deep and meaningful. Then I read the previous comment advising “go get your groove” and realized I couldn’t top that.
LOL. We all need to, right?
I think it’s so WEIRD that women feel pressured to have a sex drive at all. Doesn’t it make sense biologically that a woman’s desire to have sex would decline as our peak child rearing years decline? I mean, for most women, isn’t sex a big mental thing anyway? Our brains aren’t typically wired to want sex after a long, tiring day of WHATEVER it is that we’re dealing with all day long. Why do we expect ourselves to be able to access that desire just like a man seems to be able to do so easily? Why does that have to mean there is something WRONG with us?
I’m not saying that women shouldn’t have sex or that it’s not normal for women to have a sex drive. Of course it is. And obviously lots of factors can contribute to a sex drive or lack thereof. I just always feel this weird pressure when I don’t feel like having sex, like I’m not fulfilling some kind of DUTY, or like something is wrong with my brain if I’m just not into it for awhile.
(I know you are talking more about intimacy in lots of ways in this post, but the sex/desire aspect is something that’s been on my mind lately. For some reason or other. Ahem.)
(Also, I hope I am not coming across as some unenlightened anti-feminist. These are not full-fledged IDEAS or anything. Just some thoughts. Errr…carry on.)
It’s a good point. There’s no doubt that changes in hormones contribute to this.
lack of sex drive doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with us. the fact is that it comes across that way because men NEED sex, yes NEED it, i swear their brains don’t function normally without it lol and as callous as this may sound i believe in a way it is our duty to “give it up” even when we’re not in the mood sometimes the same way a man has a duty to be emotionally supportive of his woman when she needs him which can be equally as uncomfortable for them as sex can be for us
Well said! Oh boy…can I relate!
I’m so sorry. :)
Thank you. I needed this so much today. May you have kindness and some heartstopping hot time!
Thanks. :)
Friend, this post is fantastic. Such a good reminder.
Thanks. I write to make myself remember.
Wait! You totally are leading some parallel life. Sigh.
Three generations.
I want hot sex but somewhere along the way sort of forgot the whole be nice, remind that person you have the hots for them, don’t just go ok, not too horrid of a day, bedtime, roll over.
Unfortunately, I realized this for myself after someone was unable to sleep because of hip and leg pain after very vanilla sex and I was trying to figure out reworking hot sex, so that I could get lucky again in this lifetime. (preferably without causing pain and both of us actually enjoying it instead of neither really enjoying it) I knew that would be rather unlikely, if I didn’t woo again. Thus my campaign started. I am happier. Things are better. And really–odds are much better than before just because of that regular saying and showing that this particular relationship is NOT just like my mother living with us or the adult child home for a while or the other children still at home. This is a different and special relationship and deserves that same attention we gave it when just as busy in other ways but not as “old.”
Interestingly (or not) all of this means I am nicer to my mother and kids and such too.
Exactly.
Okay I was almost in tears! It’s so hard to remember the little things that make us a happy family when we are so stressed and busy. I just absolutely LOVE this post and the lesson it gives!
Oh, thank you…
Dude. I love how you’re always wanting to be more self aware. I’m gonna get kind tonight. Maybe tuck some toes. Maybe even get slick. I said maybe. ;)
Love you.
LOL. Love you too.
Seriously. Best thing I’ve read in a while. I could swear you are hiding out in my purse listening & recording my life. This SO applies to me. Thanks for the reminder to be kind. My boys will thank you, I’m sure. ;)
Oh, thank you for saying so.
I could have written this too! If you find your groove, could you write a post telling us how? Seriously!
I will. :)
This post was excellent– ah the pit-crew/ roommate describes life perfectly! I’d like some kindness too but I often forget that I also need to be kind.
Yep. That’s the hard part, right?
Hi Cecily!
Words, even in the simplest of forms, can be so impacting… big love ensues.
I sigh at the struggles you’re written here because I too can empathize with these emotions…I get it, life is fucking HARD. Sometimes it’s a little tiny relief for me to read and empathize with others, like me, strolling along and doing our ‘best.’
‘Thank you’ for sharing… ‘You’re welcome’ for reading ;)
Vanessa
:) Very true….
P.S.
My eldest just said “I like her hair!” (when she saw your photo here) :)
VJ
The cuddling thing. In my experience, men don’t cuddle well. It is one way we are not wired the same. I remember many times when the bottom was falling out of our world and I would just want my fella to hold me, but it was usually misinterpreted by him, to let’s get busy, no matter what was going on. It’s really funny now, but I swear I worried about everything for the both of us.
Oh, yes, we’ve struggled with that too. But 19 years in I’ve trained him out of that. :D
Ha, just shows you are a much better trainer than I was. I was married for 36 years to the love of my life before being widowed. If I learned anything it was this too shall pass. You and Charlie need a long weekend away.
WOW! Cecily you have hit my life head on! I am only 32 years old and my sex drive has went to hell! I had a hysterectomy a year ago and was told this might happen. But it doesn’t help that my husband is 18 years my senior and says he has always had a low sex drive. Don’t get me wrong when we do have intimate moments they are FABULOUS. I just want MORE of them! We can go 5-6 months at a time without an sexual contact. We even sleep in separate rooms at this point because I snore VERY loudly and it keeps him awake. I tell him all the time that we need to make US time but with work and stress of every day life, we just never find the time.
Hopefully some day soon we will find that time and become the couple we used to be. We do not have children to interrupt us or anyone else living in our home, we just feel so separate right now.
Oh, honey, that’s tough. Good luck to you.
Your post made me think of a time, years ago, when my sister told me that, rather than passion or money or intelligence or good looks or most anything, if she had to choose ONE quality in a partner, she would choose civility. I thought she was nuts, but decades later, I can see her point. When things are hard, and hard times are unavoidable for all of us, civility is what gets us through. Thank you for the reminder.
love this post! so true!
Been dealing with similar here. The whole ‘room mate thing. Making an effort to do more things together, be NICE to each other and cuddle more. Hmm, might just suggest a night away from the kids… You should too!
Yes, we are working up to that with my mom!
hi cecily! i just stumbled across your blog and wanted to tell you that i think you’re right on track for positive change :) the story of how my husband and i got together is long and complicated but lets just say true love wasn’t what brought us together and once the lust faded so did the kindness. one day at church our pastor told a story about a man who’d lived a hard life, met a woman, and everything changed..when asked if it was her love that changed him he replied “no, it was my love for her” and that’s when it hit me that i’d been focusing on all the wrong things bills, the house, you know the drill just trying to take care of everyone and everything, feeling overwhelmed and unappreciated which left me resenting everyone i was supposedly doing all this crap for, well it was exhausting and even infuriating two words that are not synonymous love! that day i decided to drop that baggage like a hot bag of rocks and try something new from then on love would come first, it didn’t come naturally at first i had to let go of my pride and hurt so i could say what needed to be said then we started with robotic and akward displays of emotion and appreciation of one another (my husband would even ask “why are you being so nice to me?” lol) but over time it became easier, more natural, and has now started to snowball into the kind of marriage/family i thought i would only ever dream of kind, open, supportive, commited and here’s the best part! refocusing my energy didn’t leave all that other stuff neglected, quite the opposite in fact, with this new found comradery everything became easier! so much easier! i felt rejuvinated! things like paying bills and doing laundry no longer felt like a chore that had been dumped on me, a weight had been lifted and i not only felt more capable of handling all that had been going on but like i could take on more :) (oh and don’t worry even the sex started back up as akward and robotic lol i had lost interest because i was out of shape and felt awful about myself but when i just let that go his interest made me feel sexy again :)
That’s so lovely!
Oh my god, you have NO IDEA how much I relate to this! I JUST made a big deal decision to reduce my SSRI so that I could recover some of my passion and feelings. I have been feeling really like… empty and nothing for a long time. I’ve been bossy and businesslike in my relationship. The good news is that reducing my meds helped me get some of my sexy back and that has helped me to be less snappy with my husband. I love you for writing this and I hope you can find your slick and heart pounding again!
:) I’ll be interested to hear how it goes for you!
I needed this, Cecily. A lot.
Thank you.
You’re welcome. How you do it with three.. gah.
I have been thinking all this week about how much the parenting-small-children years rocks the couple boat. Add full-time jobs and you’re sunk. I can tell you that it began to revive for us when our youngest was around 10, but am happy to report that it did come back! Surprisingly. It’s really hard, when you’re so drained physically and psychically, and have no privacy at all. I think the people who survive it best are the ones who have parents/other family members around who can spot them babysitting for a weekend or even a night alone once in a while, let alone those selfish/lucky bastards who somehow manage a whole week’s couple vacation a year to reconnect.
Kindness is a good beginning, though.
this makes me sad hun, my husband and i have a 20 month old son with another on the way, are very low income, and have almost NO outside support when my mother does come around she brings so much negative garbage with her it’s not worth the night off from parenting and yet, if you read my post above you’ll see, we manage to be kind and find great joy living right on top of eachother in our tiny box of an apartment. we choose to give up material comforts in exchange for time together, both parents working full time may get you a nice house, a car, maybe even a fat retirement fund but when your days are up and you look back at your life are gonna say gee i wish i’d worked more so i could’ve had a nicer house? no you’re gonna be begging god for 5 more seconds with your kids. if you’re waiting for time, money, privacy or family to make your life easier you’ll be waiting a long long long time, the people who truly survive it best are those that don’t wait for life to get easy before they enjoy it and i sincerely hope you find that kind of contentment cuz you sound a little bitter :)
Don’t feel sad for me, I’m through it! And I haven’t worked full time since I was pregnant with my first; I just know how hard it is. We’re not talking about love or happiness or contentment, we’re talking about the fun of lust. How on earth do you feel free to make love with a child in your bed or liable to wake up at any moment? That’s what I mean by privacy. How do you feel desire for touch with your husband when your touch needs are sated by child cuddles and all you want is a little alone time and not to be needed for a while? You’ve been doing this for 20 months; you come talk to me in 13 years.
Yes, I’ve heard that a bunch, actually. It’s certainly already better at age five than it was at two.
i really didn’t mean to assume i knew anything about you specifically the things i said are really the lessons i’ve been learning myself about not blaming life for my misery, if i can’t be happy with ten dollars then a million won’t make a difference either that kind of stuff and you know how when you learn a lesson like that you start recognizing the same behaviour in others and you want to shake it out of them? well i guess i just saw a little of that in your comment and the thoughts started flowing before i realized i should’ve directed them at myself lol but i do sincerely wish you contentment and am happy to hear that my little rant doesn’t so much apply to you :)