The Laws of the Universe
According to the Almost-Five-Year-Old

1. She will climb any object she finds. She will reach the pinnacle of said object, holler like a cat on fire asking for help getting down, and then immediately climb said object again. When asked to stop, she says, "Two more times!"

2. She will jump, bounce, run, and most of all, TALK literally until she falls asleep. She does not, ever ever ever (okay, unless she's very sick) STOP. If you could harness her energy, you would solve the world's oil problem FOREVER.

3. Once an action is begun, it is impossible for her to stop said action. In order to prevent a behavior, you must have ESP to anticipate the behavior. Because once the arm is drawn back to throw, there is NO stop button.  

4. The item she will wear to school that day will, most definitely, NOT be the item you suggest. Even if it is her very, very favorite ballerina skirt, she will not wear it if you suggest it.

5. She will inevitably want to play with her toys, or become sleepy, or need to pee the MOMENT you suggest getting dressed. Even if you are taking her to an event that involves princesses and cake and bouncy castles.

6. She will be unable to find her shoes, even when they are on her feet.

7. She will weep, unconsolably, if you suggest perhaps that stuffed cat missing both eyes and a leg that the dog ripped up might need to be thrown away, but she will accept the idea of giving the broken ass toy to another child.

8. She will ask to be served the one item you no longer have in stock for dinner.

9. She will make an impossible suggestion, and when you say that what she suggested is impossible, she will say, "I know! We can just…" and then begin one of the most charming ten minute monologues you've ever heard.

10. She will, at the most random moments, say, "MOMMY!" and you will, exasperated, say, "Yes?" and she will say, "I love you!" and you will melt into a puddle of goo and not mind the previous items nearly so much.


Comments Closed


  1. Grammaof7plus1 says

    boys are similar. I have 2 grands, 5.5 and 4.5 (1 year, 10 days apart) sharing our home. Sometimes I just close my bedroom door, crawl into bed with a pillow over my head. I am old, I need my rest! :)
    They will usually find me, climb in bed with me and be so sweet and cuddly, that I forget how tired I am, and will read to them or just snuggle.
    Kids. Yup, I want to bottle their energy too.

  2. says

    My youngest daughter has not stopped talking since the day after she fell out a window and fractured her skull when she was 22 months old. She was not really talking much before that and we still joke that she just needed a good thump on the head to get started;)

  3. says

    Aren’t they fun and exasperating at this age? Mine are bracketing this age right now. #10 is the best, though. I love it when my girl does that.

  4. Chickenpig says

    This entire list would be true of one of my 5 year old kids and my 2 year old, but unfortunately, not for Nate. I would love to hear him rattle on, and to say “I love you” throughout the day. So far I have only heard him say it once. Knowing what the alternative to all that energy and defiance is makes me appreciate it. What I wouldn’t give to have more #10′s from my boy Nate….autism sucks donkey balls.

  5. Alexicographer says

    Oh, yes. And (though I just have the one, energy-full, word-full one), what Chickenpig said, too, of course. When I am internally bemoaning my (good) fate, I try to remember that. Also that in the blink of an eye you and I will each be complaining that your daughter (you) and my son (me) sleep until noon and won’t speak to us. If only we could interlace a few days from year 4 into year 14, 5 into 15, and vice-versa.

  6. says

    I thought it was just my friends little boy who done this… I have been around children most of my life; younger and adulthood- I hadn’t ever came across a child with as much energy as him. From the time his little feet hit the floor of a morning till his Mom puts him down for his nap, then once again when he wakes up from said nap and until he goes to bed at bedtime- this boy is CONSTANTLY on the go. When he learned to walk- Holy Shit batman he was non stop walking and walking and walking. Now that he can do this without the assistance of a table or person, he is considerably much faster and stops only for chips and cup!
    I remember the days when kids would get caught up in a movie or cartoon and grab their blankie or pacifier or whatever they used as comfort and crawl up and go to sleep anywhere. NOT this child. Only when forced into bed for naps and bedtime (because he now sleeps in a big boy bed) will he lay down…
    I seriously thought he was the only one! :)

  7. says

    My 5 year old NEVER stops talking as well. Sometimes when we are in the car and I have had enough I suggest we play the quiet game. This has worked 1 time! Now the 3 year old is picking up after big sister so until both girls are in bed asleep for the night we finally have quiet in our house!

  8. says

    Oh God, you mean there is actually a silver lining to this parenting thing?! I guess I’ll just be patient and wait till he’ll finally tell me he loves me. He can, mind you, he just WON’T. Maybe next week.