James Frey Made Me Write This Post

On Saturday night, Sarah, Pete, Charlie and I went to Elise and her husband’s for dinner. We had an amazing time–laughing, talking, just enjoying each other. After dessert, we ended up just sitting around the table talking for hours. Something I haven’t done since the days I was drinking and drugging…

Maybe that’s why I found myself talking about my using days. Elise asked a question, and Sarah and I found ourselves talking about those last few months out there in the drinking world. I’ve been thinking a lot about my own using insanity lately, so it felt good to just talk about it, to bring it back out into the light and look again with the eyes of someone who’s been sober over ten years.

What strikes me the most is how fucking insane it was.  I was crazy! When I look at it now, the things I did back then–almost all of them–seem like something only a suicidal lunatic would do.  But back then, they seemed completely fucking rational. Really.

Lots of people accuse us infertiles of being obsessed with wanting a child; but honestly, they have no idea what the fuck obsession is.

Obsession is using water from a toilet to mix up the drugs you are going to put into your veins because you cannot go one. more. minute. without it. Yes, TOILET WATER. In my VEINS.

Obsession is climbing your neighbor’s fence to break into your other neighbor’s house because you know he has some really bad cocaine hidden in there and you don’t have any money and bad coke is better than nothing. And doing it more than once, even after you get caught.

Obsession is when your dealer tells you there are "things you can do" to keep getting the drugs when you run out of cash and you think, yeah, OK, that makes sense. You feel relieved that there is a way to keep the flow of drugs coming, regardless of how much it will hurt you or the ones you love to do those "things."

Obsession is sneaking into your place of employment to use the copy of the key you secretly had made earlier in the day for the petty cash drawer to get more money so you can go back to the bar and keep partying with that cute boy that will go home with you and never call.

Obsession is hanging out in an alley behind a bar stealing the empty liquor bottles and draining the last drops out of them with a group of friends thinking this is hilarious.

Obsession is going from bar to bar to bar seeking the best place, the best party, the best time.

Obsession is thinking "It’s fine that he doesn’t have all his teeth and works in a gay bar. And he won’t give me his phone number. I can sleep with him without risk." And then that guy dies of AIDS two years later.

Obsession is draping all the lamps in the house with scarves so that your track marks can remain hidden from your boyfriend.

Obsession is using an elaborate makeup process to hide the damage to your arms; first, white clown face makeup; then foundation; then powder. And thinking no one notices at work.

Obsession is stealing a muscle relaxant from your employer, dissolving it into a liquid, shooting it up, and then discovering that you no longer have the muscle control to remove the tourniquet or needle from your arm and you have to sit there bleeding for twenty minutes until you can finally get it off.

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I think you get my point.  There is no comparison; the "obsession" with having a child that we infertiles may or may not have involves things like doctors and paperwork. Not toilet water and drug dealers and doing "things."

And, yes, I did every single thing I listed above (except the "things;" the overdose that led me to sobriety came a few days after that offer). My story is not unusual or rare or odd; in fact, my alcoholism is shockingly average, and my drug use pretty lame (my entire drug history fits into a six-month span).

When I first met Elise and I’d tell her these stories she’s open her eyes so wide her contact lenses would fall out. It actually became a goal for me and Charlie; what story can we dig up to make Elise lose a lens? Sadly, that phase passed. Heh.

On Saturday night Elise and her husband were talking about what they’ll tell their daughter about drinking and drugs when she gets older. They joked about using us as a cautionary tale.

But the truth is, I was an alcoholic and addict before I ever touched a drink. A story like mine when I was young would have sounded romantic and fun and adventureous–not stupid,  dangerous, illegal, and life-threatening.

I’m not saying there was no hope for me; that I was destined to take the path I took. I can look back and see several times in my life when I would have been open to the idea of recovery, if a chance had presented itself.

But I walked the path I did, and have come here to this place. To a place where I can sit in a circle of good friends and eat and laugh without a hint of drugs or alcohol around me. To a place where my skin feels, for the most part, comfortable and easy.

I wouldn’t want it any other way. And I thank James Frey for reminding me that I don’t need to lie; my truth is scary enough.

Comments Closed

Comments

  1. Sarah says

    Fucking perfect post. Perfect.
    I am very interested to read what the non-addicts write in response to this…I so often forget, after surrounding myself with recovering alcoholic/addicts for so long, that a lot of what we can laugh at is not so easy for others to find funny.
    It just happened this morning when a memory surfaced and I started to tell Pete but stopped myself, saying ‘this isn’t *actually* funny’.
    Anyway…love this post. Love you.

  2. Catherine says

    I always hesitate to write/tell stuff like this, because all the addicts reply, “Yeah? And?”
    And all the non-addicts reply, “OHMYGOD how did you survive? You are so amazing! That’s insane! You are a miracle just standing here, a MIRACLE, I tell you!” and I’m such an egomaniac that I love to hear that.
    And the truth is that I did all that stuff too, but as you said, it’s just not that out of the ordinary. And I am definitely not a miracle. That’s one of the things I’ve just started to learn. There is nothing amazing or wonderful or miraculous about us addicts/alcoholics. We are not “chosen by God”. We are not worthy of more respect or adulation than anyone else. We stopped being shitheads and started being productive members of society, that’s all. What do we want, a cookie?
    The only time I share that stuff is when I’m “earning my seat” while telling my story at an AA meeting. I’m not saying you were wrong for sharing it, I’m just talking about myself.

  3. Alanonymous says

    OK, I’ll respond as a non-addict. I am not saying that as a non-addict I don’t have a litany of stupid things in my past, because I do; however, addiction is not one of them.
    I should note that my dad is an unrepentant alcoholic, I have a couple of good friends in recovery, and have many people in my life who are still drinking or using, though to a lesser degree than ten years ago.
    So, I have been around drunks and addicts all my life. While I don’t necessarily like this, it is normal to me. I don’t want it to be normal for my children, which is why certain friends are at the very bottom of our let’s-make-a-date list these days.
    Many of the things you wrote about did seem funny. Some of them had me shaking my head. All of them made me sad, for you and for myself, too, because I do feel that there was a time when I could easily have found myself down the same dark alley you were in. I don’t know what kept me from crossing the line between dumb kid and addict, but I’m thankful that I stayed in the doorway instead of going out.
    And I can see exactly what you mean when you say that you would have viewed these stories as romantic or adventurous, even though they are all clearly destructive seen by a grown-up, mostly rational mind. It’s frightening to think that what ought to be a cautionary tale could be an enticement.

  4. Sam says

    I read this post, cringing all the way. You’ve come a long way and have a lot to be proud of. It is exactly these experiences, good and bad, that ultimately make us the people that we are. And Cecily, you’re one fucking awesome person, and you’re going to make an awesome mom.

  5. Alison in England says

    I’ve been visiting your blog for a while now, but I’ve never posted before. The only easy point of reference I have with you is that I’m a vet, you were a vet tech (and that if I were American, I wouldn’t be a Republican either ; )). I hugely admire you for the strength you’ve shown in the face of all you’ve been through. I haven’t had to deal with any of it. I’ve never been tempted to use any illegal drugs, never even had a single drag of a legal cigarette, have used alcohol socially all my adult life, got drunk a few times, but never felt compulsion to drink. I don’t say this out of a sense of moral superiority: the reason I never tried anything illegal was that I’ve always been too cautious, too aware of what damage I could do to myself, both physically and socially, to try. I have two children I conceived easily. So I have never really felt the right to comment on your blog, because I feel my life has been so easy and cushioned, what could I have to say that wouldn’t come across as judgemental or condescending?
    But I’m commenting on this post largely because of what Sarah just said. You paint such a vivid picture of your mindset at that time that it’s very easy to empathise with that viewpoint (superficially, at least). What I don’t understand, is how do you get to the point you described? What is it that made the story sound “romantic and fun and adventurous” to you? You must know what a cat looks like when it’s recovering from a GA with ketamine – watching something presumably hallucinating little green mice does not tempt me to try the same thing; it looks most unpleasant to me! What was it that started you down the road in the first place?
    I think it’s human nature to find black humour where there is nothing funny to be found – it’s just a coping mechanism. The addict’s humour Sarah mentions sounds to me rather like medics/vets humour – outsiders perhaps don’t realise that you have to paint the surface with something funny, because what’s underneath is too nasty to look at.
    Anyway. Thank you for, as always, an excellent and thought-provoking post, and I really, really hope things work out well for you with this pregnancy.

  6. Erin says

    I would like to know what you think you might tell your own child about drug/alcohol use and abuse. Do you think there is anything you can say that keep your child from going down that same road?
    I haven’t decided yet what to tell my own children–I just hope I can teach them to respect their bodies…but it’s pretty scarry thinking they might be like their father and have to find out for themselves…

  7. Karen says

    I’m glad you discovered how wonderful you really are, glad you acknowledged your dark truths and seem so far removed from the addict you were. You should be proud of your journey and excited about all the future holds for you.

  8. Libby says

    OK, I’ll respond as a non-addict (since Sarah is interested in knowing what we think).
    While reading this post I reacted just like
    Elise did (initially). As a matter of fact, I actually felt my contacts starting to dry out, my eyes were opened so wide. Sarah is right, I did not find any of it funny. To me all those things sound terrifying and horrific. And not in a judmental, I-am-better-than-thou way, no, just in a holy- flying-monkeys-that-is-fucking-CRAZY!-How on-earth-did-you-survive? way.
    I have never been around addicts (to my knowledge that is) so I have no experience with it. It is totally and completely foreing to me. I have honestly never been tempted or intrigued by drug/alcohol use. Don’t get me wrong, I like to have driks socially and have gotten drunk when I was younger, but I despise how it feels to be drunk.
    My mom is a social worker and for a few years (when I was little) she worked in a shelter for teenage girls with drug problems. She has never told me any stories about those days, but when I was a teen we had The Drugs Talk and she was straight with me about how they can destroy your life. I don’t remember any specifics about that conversation, but I know we had it. However, I don’t know if that made any difference in steering me away from that path because like you said, I don’t think I had a predisposition (personality wise) for addiction (that is what you alluded to right?).
    So anyway, that is what I think. I sure did not intend to be this long. Sorry. I hope I made sense. In any case I find your story fascinating (if a bit scary) and I personally think you are awesome.

  9. Renee says

    Wow. What an incredible story. And how happy I am that you have lived to tell it.
    I wasn’t sure if I was going to post this link, since I don’t really consider Stephen King a great literary commentator (sorry if I offend anyone). But since you mentioned both addiction and James Frey in the same post, I thought it might be of interest. He talks about both in his latest commentary for Entertainment Weekly:
    http://www.ew.com/ew/article/commentary/0,6115,1155752_5||472578_0_,00.html
    On another note, I too am interested in what you will share with your child(ren) about drugs and alcohol. I certainly did some dabbling in college, and I still don’t know what I will say if I ever find a joint in my daughter’s room, especially without sounding like a hypocrit.
    Now I am off to get my glucose screening. Yay!

  10. The Aitch says

    Blog that makes me cry because they are so good?
    “And I wasted all that birth control”
    Cecily you are such a good person, thank fucking god you made it though all that shit to tell it. Me love you long time.

  11. Spacemom says

    As another non-addict (in fact, I admit here that I have never done ANY drugs, the pot my housemate smoked gave me headaches), I read this with interest. I don’t comprehend the mindset of someone caught inside the world of drugs and addiction. I don’t see the humor in what you have experienced, but perhaps that is a “look what I survived” thing?
    I do appreciate your blunt honesty with this. There is a new epidemic of addiction in my area with teens and prescription drugs. The kids have told the papers, “well, there is nothing else to do here” And that is what scares me…
    I echo the question of someone else,are you willing to blog about what started you down this road?
    Thanks for the honesty..That’s why I keep coming back to your blog!

  12. Sherry says

    Wow, Cec. Just, wow.
    To think you got to where you are from where you’ve been, it’s amazing. We’re all so blessed to know you. Truly.

  13. cursingmama says

    “I wouldn’t want it any other way. And I thank James Frey for reminding me that I don’t need to lie; my truth is scary enough.”
    –perfect.

  14. Whitney says

    WOW, I’ve never heard addiction described so vividly. I’m like a lot of the above posters, never done any drugs, not even smoked a cigarette, so that was an eye-opener for me. You may not think it’s amazing how far you’ve come but I think most of your readers do! I’m so very happy for you to have come out of it and have hope for your future. Fascinating reading!!!

  15. Kelley says

    Thank you Cecily for sharing with us. That is powerful stuff and it takes a strong person to admit “where they came from”.

  16. Kat says

    Cec, I’m the child of an alcoholic/addict father. Your story sheds some light into the madness he went through during the worst years of his life which ultimately culminated in DUI where he killed a woman and lost custody of my younger brother. (I was a teenager living with my mother then and didn’t really know–and have never even gotten my brother, who was his caretaker, to tell me the straight truth–what life was like for him.)
    Like others, I also wouldn’t mind hearing your thoughts on what you and Charlie will tell your children about drugs and alcohol.
    You write with such a powerful honesty, and truth and clarity and sincerity that is amazing. I wish you’d write a book. If Tertia can do it, why not you? :-)

  17. Abby says

    That was frightening and beautiful all at the same time. You’re an awesome writer. I’m so glad you’re in a better place and can warn, or help, others who may be headed down the same path. Rock on.

  18. sheilah says

    Wow. I will chime in as one of the non-adicts. I have never done anything (I won’t count the one time someone tried to get me high on pot…it didn’t take…I didn’t feel high…I didn’t like it).
    But I could have gone the other way. I was exposed to it through family…still nothing really heavy…no needles, but alcohol, pot, coke and pills and I could have followed their lead. But I didn’t. Why? I don’t know. Maybe I didn’t want to disappoint my parents. Maybe I was too afraid. Maybe I chose the ‘wrong’ friends. I think that was most likely the reason. None of my friends did these things. We were the ‘good girls’ who went to class, got good grades and hung out in the library.
    I read your story with my eyes popping (I don’t wear contacts, but I can feel my eyes googling). It is amazing to me that you can be so desparate for something that you can do such things. I want to echo some of the posts above.
    I can’t help but wonder why? Why do you think you followed this path?
    I love you and your blog and think you and Charlie will make kick-ass parents. I am glad you found your way out of addiction.

  19. Danielle says

    If your “using” stories are average, why would someone like James Frey feel the need to embellish? Wouldn’t the truth be enough?
    Oprah should have you on her show. Or at least feature your blog. You rock.

  20. Moxie says

    This was beautiful, Cecily. And the correct use of capitalization is nice, too.
    Sarah, as a non-addict, when I hear these stories I think about all the truly stupid stuff I did “for love” and from low self-esteem, and think that if there had been drugs and alcohol in the mix, who knows? And the muscle relaxant one actually did make me chuckle.

  21. Elise says

    You haven’t made my contact lens jump out in a while! LOL – that always makes me laugh. I remember how many times I had to run home with my hand covering my eye so I could rescue a kamikaze lens.
    I found all of your stories fascinating; unlike most of the non-addicts who have commented here, I actually did try my share of drugs in college but was never an addict. As you know I smoked a lot of pot, and tried some other stuff, and had a lot of fun doing it. But it never controlled my life, and I stopped doing it cold turkey one day, on my own terms, and haven’t touched it or wanted to since. And I have always been interested to know what makes one person go down the path you took, and another person go down the path I took.
    As always, this is a fabulous post. I was anxiously waiting to read what you would post about this!

  22. Sheri says

    I agree with Elise…. what makes one person go down one path and another take a different route? I’ve never been addicted to drugs – except nicotine. I’d love a smoke RIGHT NOW but it’s been 4 years tomorrow so I’d better not. Sometimes when I drink… I love it so much I drink til I cant see straight, then pass out. Other times… I just don’t want any. When I was reading this post I don’t think I blinked. I was transfixed and devouring the words – I couldn’t read fast enough. I’m so glad you are sober and straight now. The world is definitly a better place with you here. Hugs chickie

  23. Kristin says

    I would like to second the vote that the world is a better place with you in it. I look forward to each of your blog entries….I love your take on the world and although I’m not a religious person, I do say my own version of a prayer for you each time I read an update on your pregnancy. I conceived and delivered easily so I cannot imagine what your experience has been like, except that you describe it so painfully, beautifully and eloquently. Every good wish to you, Charlie, and your baby.

  24. Dana says

    that’s a really incredible compelling story C – I’ve never even thought of doing drugs and it scares me straight! thank goodness you are well now!

  25. art-sweet says

    Delurking to say: Very interesting and thought-provoking post. Like every other commentator above I’d be very interested to hear what you plan to tell your kid/s about drugs and alcohol. My partner and I have this debate about our theoretical children fairly regularly.

  26. Shelli says

    It made me both happy and sad to read your post today. It made me sad that you went through those things but happy that you did and made it through it alive. You wouldn’t be the person you are without it and obviously if you hadn’t survived, I wouldn’t have “met” you.

  27. labia lady says

    Non addict here (unless you count food), tried a couple of illegal substances along the road to adulthood… I enjoyed reading this post in a “look! car accident!!!” kind of way and I think I understand about the humour thing..
    My assvice – don’t tell your kids what my mother told me when I was a teen.
    “If someone offers you drugs, just say, ‘No thanks, I’ve had mine today!’”
    lol – how we laughed & laughed at that one…

  28. Sarah L says

    Amen.
    When I think of the risks I took with my safety, and I did almost all of my crazy things sober so I wouldn’t have to regret them (WTF?), I can hardly believe it. I used to get scared of going to parties, letting something from my crazy past slip. Nowadays when someone assumes I’m just a nice middle class married lady with a bob and no whacky past, I just smile and nod, grateful to have my insides match my outsides.
    Sarah

  29. Penny says

    ohmygodOhMyGodOHMYGOD.
    Non-addict response. I shudder at the thought this is shockingly average and lame.
    First: so glad you’re 10 years sober. What a fabulous accomplishment.
    Second: my brother is fighting alcoholism. 6 months sober, and he fell off the wagon after Christmas. I know I underestimate the power it has over him, even though I’ve seen how it’s controlled my dad my whole life.
    I talked to my brother tonight– he sounded good, is ready to join AA (thought he didn’t need help before) and pray to God he finds what he needs to stay on the right track. For him, my SIL, and their son.
    Thanks for sharing your life.

  30. sandra says

    Moxie said what I would have said.
    Your writing is so insanely good. I lived with/was engaged to/tried to change an addict for way too long, so things like this help me, in hindsight, quell some tear-stained fury.

  31. SZ says

    I have a lot of recovering addict friends, though not an addict myself. Not too long ago I met a woman who has 10 years sober, and was a heroin addict before that. She talked about how after getting sober she volunteered at a needle exchange and worked in a porn video store where people would often hole up in “private booths” to do meth and watch porn. WE all said “oh my god, how could you stay sober while spending so much time around those people?”
    She said, “are you kidding? EASILY!” it only strengthened her resolve not to fall back down the rabbit hole, when she saw addicts living like zombies inside the addiction.
    Now she’s an elementary school teacher and foster parent to three teenagers who lost their mom to drugs. She was the person I thought of immediately when this James Frey story broke. Even BEFORE the story broke, I thought, “why isn’t SHE on Oprah, for fuck’s sake?”
    Thank you for giving us non-addicts a lens-losing moment.

  32. shelli says

    I used to say (at my OA meetings) how I’d rather be an alcoholic. Alcoholics can just STOP.
    I hate being a food addict, having to face that tiger three times a day. Not acknowledging when I’m full, living in the bulemia of years gone by, and the stupid shit I got away with, eating food off the ground, out of the trash, sneaking it, and all kinds of crazy shit.
    And then you write your post.
    I would go to AA meetings when I couldn’t hit an OA meeting, and I must have been going to the retirement home version of meetings. Everything I heard was mild in comparrison.
    I *knew* of stories, and crazy shit, hell, I read Go Ask Alice. (heh)
    But you never feel it in your bones until it gets closer to home.
    Thanks for sharing; and for bringing it closer to home.
    love and strength to you.

  33. shelli says

    I used to say (at my OA meetings) how I’d rather be an alcoholic. Alcoholics can just STOP.
    I hate being a food addict, having to face that tiger three times a day. Not acknowledging when I’m full, living in the bulemia of years gone by, and the stupid shit I got away with, eating food off the ground, out of the trash, sneaking it, and all kinds of crazy shit.
    And then you write your post.
    I would go to AA meetings when I couldn’t hit an OA meeting, and I must have been going to the retirement home version of meetings. Everything I heard was mild in comparrison.
    I *knew* of stories, and crazy shit, hell, I read Go Ask Alice. (heh)
    But you never feel it in your bones until it gets closer to home.
    Thanks for sharing; and for bringing it closer to home.
    love and strength to you.

  34. maia says

    I’m just glad you are who you are TODAY. Your addiction and what you would do to feed it was truly frightening. You should be so proud of your strength of character for making the change Cecily. I know that was not what you were fishing for but damn if I don’t have to say it!
    I do believe some of us are more likely to abuse. I am addicted to ciggy’s and damn if I can’t give them up. Even with 3 kids and a husband who love me dearly. Selfish, selfish :( I so admire you and all you have given up in the name of good health and survival.

  35. baseballmom says

    Once again, you rock Cecily. Thank you for this honest, thought inspiring post. I would have to say, as the daughter of a lifelong alcoholic, watching my dad make an ass of himself so many times made me stop drinking so much after my late teens and early twenties, once I got over the partying thing. I loved, LOVED smoking pot, but now I would have a tough time condoning it with my own kids, no matter how much fun I had. Tell me, though, now that my dad has gone through rehab at Sundown M ranch and IS still participating in AA, what is the best way for us to support him? We know that he has had one ‘slip’ already, and I hear him sometimes saying how James Frey is right about AA…that scares the hell out of me, because I can’t stand being let down again, after all of the attempted sobrieties he’s had. I feel like just saying “I’m done.” to protect myself and my kids from this emotional shit. I had to finally explain to my 10 year old why papa acts the way he does sometimes, and it broke my heart. I am so full of hope that there will be no more slips, but don’t have much faith.

  36. Jen says

    Cecily, I wanted to thank you for sharing these memories and issues. I’ve never struggled with addiction myself, but I work daily with people who have gotten themselves into very bad situations because of their addictions–and who are still in the throes of their addictions, miles from sobriety.
    I have great compassion for these people, but at the same time it can be intensely frustrating to deal with the manipulation, the lying, and the compulsive, selfish behavior so similar to what you described above. It is often tempting to just dismiss these people as lost, believing that they cannot or will not ever stop this behavior; that while there may have been a good, interesting person underneath the addiction, what remains is a truly unappetizing collection of destructive behaviors.
    So that is why it is so refreshing, and so important for me, to read stories like yours–of people who have worked through recovery, who have shed the behaviors of addiction and realized the true potential in their lives. It gives me hope for the people I help, and enhances my ability to see beyond the track marks and meth-ravaged teeth.
    Thanks.

  37. orenda says

    You are amazing. I suspect maybe you’d argue and say you’re just an ordinary person living her life, but that’s just it. If blogs have taught me anything, it’s that ordinary people ARE amazing when you stop to look at their lives. Life is amazing, and takes a lot of courage. I need to be reminded of that sometimes. Thank you for sharing with us, for the honesty and eloquence.

  38. karla says

    Trying to think of something to say and all I can come up with is Whoo! Your words are so powerful. That you are alive and 10 years sober telling your story makes them all the more powerful. You are a truly amazing person. One more thing… BOOK!BOOK!BOOK!

  39. Lydia says

    Oh, hear hear. My story is about the shortest and lamest I’ve come across so far, but it’s mine and shameful in it’s own way. Thank you for sharing a part of yours. And for inspiring ME to stay away from that which will kill me, and for giving me hope. And you are so so right… i now see, with shocking and shameful clarity, how much of an alcoholic i ALWAYS have been (thank you genetics!), from childhood. And i myself only actually drank alcholically for a very short time before i realized the path i was on and got myself into recovery. But the behavior patterns, the arrogance, rebellion, and self-centeredness have always been there. I am so grateful for the disease though, because without the manifestation of the drinking itself, all that other shitty stuff would have stayed hidden in darkness, killing me from the inside out, whether i ever took one drink. I love you, Cecily, I really do.

  40. Leggy's Blog says

    Addictions and Their Aftershocks

    Both Cecily and Sarah have written recently about their days of addiction, and it got me thinking… Addictions run long and deep in my family, mostly of the alcoholic variety. On my mother’s side, I think my grandmother was alcoholic

  41. SandyC says

    I’m back — new monitor made all the difference in proving I am human.
    Reading this entry was hard, mostly because it had some familiar parts to it. It also reminded me of the time I was telling my son about the time my father chased my brother across the lawn with a loaded gun. My son looked at me in that penetrating way that kids have and said “Mom. Do you know that isn’t a funny story?”
    Until that moment, I’m not sure I didn’t know it wasn’t funny. Yikes.

  42. Christina says

    Thanks for the tip…I came across this looking for how to prevent dog attacks…I have a pet pitbull and I’ve read that most attacks come from a familiar dog…so keep my fingers crossed huh? Thanks again!

  43. mrs spock says

    I’ve chosen not to drink ever because of stories like this- stories I’ve watched unfold in my family. I don’t trust my brain chemicals not to latch on to the obsession.
    Thanks for reminding me again. It does seem miraculous that you’re still here.

  44. Me says

    “But the truth is, I was an alcoholic and addict before I ever touched a drink.”
    I understand what you mean by this. I have a few qualities in my personality that are a little dangerous when combined: adrenaline junkie, novelty seeker, and compulsive. I’ve done a whole variety of things in my life to excess. Sometimes its hard not to even now. :/

  45. Dominic says

  46. Ann says

    Just found your site via abtpbt and the convo over there, but I don’t want to mention the name of “it” (the subject).
    Anyway. This post is brave, amazing, incredible. You captured addiction perfectly…and I should know.
    Thank you. You’re beautiful.

  47. Jennifer Wood says

    When She’s old enough tell her who you are, She will love you and bond with you and have a chance to heal family legacy’s that we all share. <3

  48. Russell says

    I don’t get it, what makes this so special and amazing and blah, blah, blah. You are an ex-addict, congratulations. The lesson to learn is…….